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Tamers Abridged - Episode 2 (script)

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Tamers Abridged - Episode 2

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Tamers Abridged - Episode 2

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Episode 3

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

Davis: Previously on Digimon!

Guilmon: ...ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Takato: Hghghghghghghghghg

Davis: And now the thrilling conclusion!

Takato: *Hghg laughing*

Guilmon: ERRR HRR HRR HRR HRR HRR

Takato: Ah, the miracle of childbirth.

*Opening*

Takato's Dad: TAKATO, LOOK! BREAD'S IN THE NEWS!

Mom: Honey, that's a crossword puzzle.

Dad: FIVE DOWN! AND WHY ARE YOU LATE?

Takato: Sorry Dad, I've taken up boxing! I've brought a friend for a sleepover, so don't bother us.

Dad: YOU DON'T TALK BACK. THE NEWSPAPER DON'T TALK BACK. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO RELY ON?!

Mom: Honey, remember, you're not actually angry.

Dad: I just wanna be in the news.

*Guilmon in Takato's room*

Guilmon: PARTY TIME! *Knocks over desk* Your parties suck.

Takato: *Scolding* That's what you get for not inviting me. Besides it was BYOB. I brought my box, where's yours?

*Guilmon silently points to himself*

Takato: Right! I'm Takato!

Guilmon: I'm...Box?

Takato: No, you're Guilm- yes. And tomorrow you're Sticky Ricky! Oh, hang on a second- *Pulls out goggles* These are in case someone wants to poke my eye. Imprrresssed-uh?

*Cut to HYPNOS*

Talley: *Serious* We're getting another trying to bioemerge.

Yamaki: LAUNCH MISSILES!

Riley: *Impatient* For the last time, boss-

Yamaki: LAUNCH MISSILES- I DON'T CARE!

Talley: *Deadpan* Sir, we're an intelligence agency.

Yamaki: LAUNCH INTELLIGENCE MISSILES THEN!

*Cut to park as light and fog appears*

Girl: *Romantic* The stars are beautiful tonight, aren’t they?

Boy: Yeah, but when will terrorism stop...?

*They turn and see the fog*

Girl: What's that?

Boy: It's God, wanting you to not masturbate.

*Rika puts on sunglasses, runs into fog, takes glasses back off*

Rika: Well that didn't help. Renamon!

Renamon: I’m on it.

Girl: Whoa! Was that a fox?

Boy: My mom won’t find you attractive.

Rika: *Looking at Digivice* Hmm. “Goblimon: Has tough hide and a fireball attack. Not as happy as he appears in photo.”

*Renamon kicks him in the chest*

Goblimon: Uh, excuse me, ma’am, is there a reason you poked me in the chest- *punches him in the face* OOH... Why are you doing this to m- OOF!

Rika: This is gonna be easier than I thought.

*Guy is making out with his girlfriend in the park. Starts blowing into her head and it inflates. Calumon appears and just watches with a concerned face. Loud bang*

Boy: I’ve cleansed you.

*Calumon’s forehead flashes. Goblimon suddenly digivolves to Fugamon*

Fugamon: What happened?! Why am I large and red?!

Rika: He got stronger! Get him!

Fugamon: No! I didn’t do that-! *Renamon multi-punches him* Stop! You have to understand!

Rika: Take away our sand?! Those are our beaches! Kill him!

Renamon: Diamond Storm!

Fugamon: No- AGH! *Renamon kills him and downloads his data*

Rika: It breaks my shirt to kill another Digimon. *Smiles*

*Cut to Takato’s dad setting the sign out front*

Dad: AFTER SEVEN YEARS, WE- ARE- O-PEEEEN~.

*Takato stealing bread*

Mom: *Calling from the other room* Honey, you better give that bread to your friends! Those are business cards! *Turning agitated* God knows we can’t afford PAPER!

Dad: LOOK! OUR BUDGET WAS FOR THE SIGN, WE GOT THE SIGN...!

Takato: Sure thing, Mom! I’m off to be violently bullied for these goggles!

Dad: AND TAKE YOUR STUPID BOX FRIEND WITH YOU! *Chucks Guilmon out the window*

Takato: Wow, Guilmon you’re heavy. Talk about a WIDE SCREEN.

Guilmon: I just bit my tongue-mon.

*Cut to construction site*

Takato: Listen Sticky Ricky, you need to stay here. This box is your new home. Forever. I don't want people to make fun of you for how weird you are. Especially with a name like that. *Leaves*

Guilmon: Aroooooo...mon.

*Cut to school*

Ms Asaji: Takato, you’re up next!

*Takato jumps*

Jeri: You didn't break a leg. You can’t enter the Paralympics.

Takato: AGH! Third-string cripple again!

*Shows Guilmon walking around in the box*

Guilmon: Ahoihoihoi.

*Takato stares silently in shock*

Jeri: Brain damage. He qualifies.

Asaji, Jeri, Kazu, a couple random kids: YAAAY!

*Big band music plays. Cut to Guilmon walking past the principal*

Principal: Good morning, Stan. Hm? You seem much shorter today...

Guilmon: I’m in a box!

Principal: Quit complaining, Stan! None of us make that much money!

Guilmon: Do you have a box?

Principal: Oh! Janitor gets a box, now look at him! Take it off, you middle class piece of sh-*BEEP*! *Falls back with the box*

Guilmon: Ha-ha! Hahahaha! You fell down! I’m Principal now... *sinister music plays*

Principal: *Whimpering, hits the fire alarm* OWWW.

Asaji: Huh? Well kids, that’s the fire drill. Everybody get inside.

Jeri: You gotta go put it out, Takato.

Takato: Why me?

Jeri: Everyone else is going blind for next year.

Takato: Uhh... *Looks at them briefly*

Kazu: Please take off the handcuffs, Takato...

Principal: I’m so glad you’re okay, Stan!

Stan: *Guilmon voice* I was framed!

*Takato runs panting into the hall*

Kid 1: Principal said he saw a dinosaur! Imaginations are stupid!

Kid 2: My hand doesn’t work!

Kid 3: I wish Stan was my dad!

Kid 4: I wish Stan wasn’t my dad.

Kid 3: You take that back, you son of a b-*BEEP*!

Takato: *Thinking* No! Guilmon...

*Commercial break*

Jay: We’ll be right back with more Digimon: Digital Monsters!

*Sonic X commercial*

Sonic: Hey kids! This is Sonic! Just sayin’: I’m sorry.

Jay: Now back to Digimon!

Tails: Only on Jetix! Ehhhhhh.

Takato: *Really fast* Guilmon!

Henry: Uh... huh?

Takato: Guilmon... where could he be?

Henry: Hey. *Echoes* You said “Guilmon”. You’re a tamer aren’t you? You might be able to help me with something. What is “Terriermon” exactly? His name is “Terrier”, but he looks nothing like a dog; I mean look. *Terriermon walks out* What was the direction here? He’s got big ears and he’s got a horn. And you know when he digivolves he gets guns and he gets pants. I- I mean, I’m not saying it’s wrong; I just don’t follow the idea.

Terriermon: You must not be a very good tamer if you lost your Digimon already.

Henry: WHOA. You could have said “Hey” (hey, hey) first.

Takato: *Running and crying* He’s right. I’m never gonna see Guilmon again!

Henry: Hey (hey, hey)... look how happy we are (are, are, we, we, we).

Takato: We’re never gonna be the happiest of friends like those two!

Henry: We’re still happy (happy, happy).

Takato: How come bread lasts longer than my friendships?!

Henry: Lasagna (lasagna, lasagna).

*Takato runs all the way to the roof, sees Guilmon*

Takato: Oh... Guilmon!

Guilmon: Hn? Takatomon!

*Mauls him*

Takato: Okay, boy, okay- Ah! AGH! AAAAGH!

*Guilmon giggles, looks at him for a second, pokes him in the eye, squish*

Guilmon: See Takatomon? Dreams do come true!

Davis: WHOA, DUDES. HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT TAKATO'S EYES ARE RED? THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CRYING! WHAT A JERK! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE DIGIMON: DIGITAL MONSTERS!

*Ending credits*

Vee: It's time for Davis: An After School Special.

Davis: Hey kids! Be sure to get your parents' permission before you go to jail!

Vee: Davis: An After School Special. Stay tuned for the Sochi 2014 Paralympics Abridged! For every event, there is the dismount.

Tails: Only on JETIX! Eh, you're watching... Ehh... Please don't go away... Could really use the views... Our ratings are nonexistent by this point.

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