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Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 5

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Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 5

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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*Dark Momoka appears*

Narrator: This is Momoka. Anyway…

Keroro: Yeah, I like ‘em, but I don’t want to build ‘em.

Fuyuki: That’s why I like Transformers better; it’s already done.

*Clattering on roof, Mois falls*

Keroro: Well that’s odd. So, FUCK Michael Bay.

Giroro: *Muffled* Why, Natsumi. How… expected of you. I knew you’d come around one day- now get off, baby; my gun’s on my crotch. MY GUN’S ON MY-

*Cuts to Mois lying on the couch*

Fuyuki: *Serious* Her brown skin… I’ve lost her in the couch.

Natsumi: *Slightly pissy* She’s blonde. How do you miss that?

Fuyuki: Cidihwaa? *Subtitle: ???*

*Mois sits up straight*

Keroro: *Spanish, upbeat* Did someone call me?

*Sees Mois*

Keroro: *Spanish* Oh fuck.

Mois: *Pounces* UNCLE!!!

Natsumi: *Confused* “Uncle?”

Fuyuki: Are you related to Sarge?

Mois: *Nervous* Oh… It’s a Japanese thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Natsumi: *To herself* We are Japanese…

Mois: *Pulling up sweater vest* IS THIS NORMAL?!

Fuyuki: Si! Ai Coño!

*Mois transforms*

Mois: *Embarrased* Woops, I guess I pressed the wrong button.

Keroro: Oh wow! You’re Mois? I haven’t seen you in years! For a second there, I was worried I’d seduced another poor girl with my charms.

Mois: Hee-hee!

Giroro: *Heavily muffled* HA!!!

Natsumi: *Confused* Uhh… that “uncle” thing?

Mois: Well, Uncle Keroro’s family has been friends with mine for generations. He used to take me to Disneyland, *shows Eiffel Tower* he’d take me to the Dollar Store, *shows a dump* and even to the Post Office! *Shows a forest fire*

Mois: *Nostalgic* I still remember when he used to pick me up from school. *Shows a car wreck*

Fuyuki: *Crying* My mom never took me to the Dollar Store!

Mois: *Sweetly* My Uncle Keroro means so much to me.

*Shuffling*

Keroro: Mois…? No. Not in front of Natsumi; she’s a minor.

Giroro: *Muffled* And it’s okay!!!

Natsumi: *Slightly annoyed* Giroro, do you want in or something?

Giroro: *Weakly* You dropped your phone, my love.

Natsumi: Dude, I don’t have a phone.

Giroro: Then Merry Christmas!!!

Mois: *Upset* No! Give it back! I need it to kill things!

Giroro: *Very pissed off* That was you?! Then I’m gonna waste all your minutes! Mwahahaha!

*Flies off, stops*

Giroro: Wait, did you say “kill things”?

Mois: *Calling out* Uh-huh! It turns into a spear, and I can split whole planets in half!

Giroro: …the fuck?

*Sandal hits phone out of Giroro’s hand, lands in Keroro’s hands*

Keroro: Huh…?

Natsumi: *Yelling out* Hey, physics don’t work that way!

Giroro: Been waiting to use these for days.

*Presses button, snakes grab Mois and Natsumi*

Natsumi: *Struggling* Lemme go… this is not a good time for this…!

Mois: *Struggling* Uncle, please! Don’t you remember my sweet 1016? *Faded out* You brought me to that place with all the cars and we stood in the middle dodging everyone? And everyone was so nice to you! Remember: “get out of the way, dickhead”? And “wake up, you idiot”?

Keroro: *Singing to himself* Somewhere over the rain…cloud… there was… rain.

Giroro: Wake up, you idiot! Now’s your chance to be useful for once!

Keroro: *To himself* Useful…?! Do I want that responsibility…? But what if I let down Mois… and Fuyuki… and Natsum- Fuyuki…

Fuyuki: *Intense* Speed lines are cool!

Keroro: *Intense* But then again, speed lines are cool!

*Cellphone rings*

Keroro: *Click* Hello?

Tamama: Hi Sarge!

Keroro: Oh hey Tamama- how did you get this number?

Tamama: …I’m going through a tunnel.

Keroro: You got stuck.

Tamama: Hnn…

Keroro: Where are you?

Tamama: I'm locked inside a car.

Keroro: Alright, don't worry, I'll come over an- what?

Tamama: I'm locked inside a car.

Keroro: …Hun?

Tamama: Yeah?

Keroro: Think about what you said for a minute.

Tamama: I said I'm locked inside th- Oooooooohhhh I see what’s wrong.

Keroro: Good

Tamama: *Locks door* Ok NOW I'm locked! Come get me, Sarge! *Click*

Keroro: …*Sigh* He’s worth it…he’s worth it.

Keroro: Here you go, Mois. I gotta go find my privates.

Narrator: *A few days later*

*Shows guys surrounding Asami*

Guy: ‘Ey, I can talk with my teeth closed!

*Kick*

Asami: *Low and threatening* Well… I can kick with my mouth closed.

Guy: Uuhhhh… ‘kay, if that don’t impress you, just take my money.

Asami: I don’t need your money; I’m homeless!

Guy: Well, if you insist…

Asami: *Serious* No seriously, gimme it.

*Dororo grabs wallet*

Dororo: Maybe Keroro will let me back inside, now.

*Cut to the house*

Natsumi: *Lovestruck* I’m so glad you could stop by, Saburo.

*Saburo opens mouth*

Dororo: Ms. Natsumi, we need to talk.

Tamama: LOOK AT MY TEETH.

Natsumi: *Seriously impressed* Whoa… NICE TEETH.

Fuyuki: Quatro?

Keroro: OH GOD, THERE’S A LETTER IN MY EYE! Oh hey, what’s up?

Natsumi: There’s something these guys need to tell you.

Tamama: Well, I thought it was cool, but Hangnail had a problem with it!

Dororo: Harming others is wrong. But I did steal their wallet, like you said!

Keroro: Guys, if this is about Mois, it’s just a misunderstanding. All she does is girly shit *quieter* that I don’t want to do. But if you’re so curious, Kululu’s creepiness came in handy.

Kululu: *Spins around in chair* Don’t you want me, baby?

Keroro: *Sing* Oohhhh- no.

*DVD Plays*

Mois: *Sweetly* I’m making this DVD specifically for my Papa.

Kululu: *Coughing nervously*

Mois: I found the planet I was looking for, and it turns out Uncle Keroro is here! So, I’ve been spending my day hanging out with him and helping him around his house. But I haven’t forgotten that important thing. Don’t worry, Daddy, I’ll do it just like I said.

*Outer shot*

Mois: *Running away* STOP FOLLOWING ME!

Kululu: Woops, forgot to take that one out.

Natsumi: So, what is she doing?

Fuyuki: Where is she going?

Keroro: When will she GET THE FUCK OFF ME!?

Mois: *On TV* Anyway, I gotta finish my morning routine and take my shower.

*Shower sounds from TV*

Mois: So, why didn’t you want to join me, Uncle?

Keroro: I didn’t know you were having one-whoa-ho-HEY!!!

Natsumi: *Nervous* Mois! How’s it goin’?

Mois: *Worried* Oh! You didn’t find out about that “important thing”, did you?

Fuyuki: Which one? We saw a few…

Mois: *Upset, partially crying, running out* Oh, I’m sorry, everyone!

*Everyone chases after her*

Keroro: No, wait! It’s not a secret; everybody hates Dororo!

Tamama: Whooooooa…

Lesbo #2: I wish Natsumi was here!

Lesbo #1: I wish you were Natsumi!

Both: WAAAAAAAAAH!

Asami: God. Grow a pair, you two.

Fuyuki: Look! She’s stealing their money!

Lesbos: Take our money!

Asami: *Bemused* No, I really don’t want your money.

Keroro: She isn’t taking their money!… Whoa?

Natsumi: *Scolding* Mois! Leave those presumptuous idiots alone!

*Asami turns*

Natsumi: Huh…?!

*Mois walks up from the side*

Mois: *Points at Asami, opens mouth wide* YOU LOOK LIKE ME.

Asami: *Stammering* Oh-… Oh yeah?! Well… *Runs away*

Natsumi: *Baffled, low* Whoa… She got you there, Mois.

Mois: *Narration* I came to this planet with a mission. But to do it, I had to find someone strong, and take their form.

Mois: *To herself, serious* Schoolgirls everywhere. They must be the ones in charge.

Mois: *Narrator* And that’s when I saw her…

Guy: ‘Ey! I can talk with my mouth open!

Asami: Well, I can defend these boys with my… teeth open!

Boy: Yep, she’s got this. We’re out of here!

Guy: Waaaah?! *Kicked in the face*

Mois: *Narration* Seeing her take on all those thugs by herself… I knew I’d found the right one.

Fuyuki: And that was when you crashed in our yard?

Mois: Yeah, it turns out she’s near-sighted.

Natsumi: *Casual* Well, at least that’s explained. But what’s this important mission you’re supposed to be-

Giroro: *Sitting in between her and Saburo* You guys need a new couch. There’s barely room for three people here.

Natsumi: *Slightly annoyed* Then why don’t you move…

Giroro: ‘Cause I can only be so subtle, babe. And there ain’t no subtlety on the battlefield.

*Saburo opens mouth*

Giroro: *Quickly* I love you.

Keroro: Hun, you think you can fan me a little faster there?

Tamama: Why do you people have to move? GOD.

Keroro: Hun, I carried you most of the- oh, forget it.

Fuyuki: So what are going to do with that girl? She’s clearly gonna be a problem.

Dororo: That poor child is clearly a runaway. *Closes eyes* I know the type.

Kululu: Dude, you don’t even know what street you live on.

Mois: *Energized* I agree! Let’s go find a street sign!

Keroro: Find the runaway.

Mois: *Still energized* Find the runaway!

*Cuts to alley as train rolls by*

Asami: *Laughs evilly* Missing my parents makes me evil.

Dororo: Excuse me young one…

I know what secret haunts your past
And the choices that remain.

*Close up*

You must follow what your heart deems true
And cast your curses to the rain.

Tap into the powers that be… *Asami walks away*
And she’s walking away from me. *Pulls off hood, Sad* Not even humans…?

Asami: *Irritated* God. You break up with somebody and all of a sudden they’re fucking Nikki Giovanni-. *Mois appears* Huh…?!

*Follows Mois into a building, sees another person who looks like her*

Asami: *Frightened mutterings*

*Runs into burger joint*

Cashier: WAKA WAKA!

Asami: NOOOOOOOO!

*Asami panting as she runs*

Reporter on large TV: Big brother is always watching you.

*Runs away, everyone returns to normal*

Keroro: Oh sorry I didn’t record any of that. I had the lid on.

Tamama: I guess they don’t sell Waka Wakas on this planet.

Keroro: Tamama, you’re in a burger store. They sell burgers.

Giroro: Well, I didn’t know that.

Keroro: And now you know… yeah. Take that.

Asami: *Gasping for air* If I see… another look-alike… I’m gonna flip my shit…

Mois: Excuse me-

Asami: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Mois: Uh- wow… Sorry?

Asami: You! What do you want from me?!

Mois: I know your past. I know that you’re a runaway, but you have to go back home.

Asami: *Defensive* I haven’t even exposited yet. How could you know I’m a runaway?

Mois: ‘Cause my uncle’s friends are hot shit!

Dororo: *From a distance* Well, THANK YOU, SOMEBODY!

Natsumi: *Quietly, behind the bushes* Keep going Mois! She’ll be back home where she belongs in no time!

Fuyuki: I sense some thick irony, here.

*Saburo opens mouth, Giroro squeezes in-between him and Natsumi*

Giroro: FOREVER IN THE MIDDLE!

*Kululu giggles to himself for 15 seconds straight*

Tamama: Stop… Sgt Major… Stop… For FUCK’S SAKE, Kululu!

Keroro: *Appears* I have a fish in my hat, guys! I call him “Boney”.

Mois: *Concerned* Please go home. Don’t make me force you.

Asami: What are you going to do? Split the world in half?

Mois: *Already transformed* Well gee! How’d you know?

Asami: What the fuck?!

*Mois hits the ground*

Mois: *Cheerful* And this is how I do it!

Keroro: No! WHERE DID BONEY GO?!

Dororo: Somebody needs to stop her!

Tamama: I’ll be the hero!

*Runs down the abyss*

Tamama: G.I. JOOOOOOOOE!!! *Gets quieter*

Keroro: Hun! No! We’re not in America- *not caring anymore* Oh, fuck it.

Mois: You know, considering my favorite Uncle is here and I love him lots and lots, you’d think I’d have thought this through.

*Pounds the ground one last time, planet splits in half*

*Camera pans down street from lamp*

Narrator: After several weeks of Kululu fixing everything… with tape…

Natsumi: Well, I guess that settles that.

Mois: Yep! She’s back home where she belongs.

Keroro: Hey, look at me wiggle my *Natsumi chokes him* BUTT…

Mois: Oh right! You guys wanted to know what my secret mission was!

Keroro, Fuyuki, Natsumi: Yeeees?

Mois: That was it!

Fuyuki and Natsumi: *Hopeless* Uuuhhhh…

Mois: *Flirty* So, uncllllle…

*Credits*

Tamama: …oooooOOOOOOOOOE!!! *Panting heavily* So what did I miss? *Collapses* Blegh…


Kululu: Kukukukukukukukukuku

Keroro: Kululu, this is my room.

Tamama: And mine.

Kululu: Ku, ku?

Giroro: Then what am I doing here?

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