|Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 18|
Main episode article
*Episodes fades in to Garuru on Nishizawa tower*
Taruru: *Over radio* Private Taruru to Lieutenant Garuru.
Garuru: Go ahead.
Taruru: Private Tamama has been neutralized, and Zoruru has disposed of two of Keroro’s human friends.
Garuru: Excellent. Meet me in 0100 hours and we’ll resume our advance on the home base.
Taruru: Chance of failure still 100%?
Garuru: And getting worse.
Taruru: Copy that, sir. Taruru out.
Garuru: *To self* Keroro’s a military genius. He better not disappoint me; I’ve been looking forward to this for years.
Garuru: Nap time! *Falls, pregnant pause*
Device: Message 297.
*Cuts to the Hinatas in the mountains*
Giroro: It is the East, and you Natsumi, are in that direction. I would like to go both and North and South with you- what is wrong with me…?
Machine: Message 298
Natsumi: *Low, deadpan* I don’t know why I thought this would cheer me up.
Giroro: I mean it’s not like I thought you liked snakes. *In background while everyone is talking* But I figured, in case we all die, you could have used some survival practice in the wild. You never know what’s gonna happen when Keroro fucks up, or you know the chili was really that bad and you’re mad at me for- oh fucking, how many have I deleted by now?!
Fuyuki: So what now? We can’t fight these guys, and Keroro’s…
Natsumi: Say it, Fuyuki.
Fuyuki: …Kind of a jerk…
Aki: *Authoritative* Hey! None of that you two! …*Whispers* What do I say next?
Natsumi: *Deadpan* Something to inspire us, Mom.
Aki: *Still authoritative* I’m proud of you! Good job on the test! I ran over your teacher!
Natsumi: For the present situation, Mom.
Aki: Alright look. I’m gonna have to make the most difficult choice a mother can make. And I don’t mean marrying a man who sells toilets out of a hot air balloon.
Natsumi: Okay, two things-
Aki: Natsumi, you’re the woman of the house now. Go reclaim what’s yours.
Machine: Message 299
Giroro: LOOK! This thing is power armor! Use it in an emergency! GOD! *Stomps off, a crash is heard*
Natsumi: Wait, what? *Holds up device* “Power armor?”
Fuyuki: Oh, like what Momoka had when she died? *Cut to Aki glaring at him* What? You didn’t know her.
Natsumi: *Excited* This is it! I can do this! *Lifts device, readying* Huuuuuuh-! *Whimpy* Eegh!
Fuyuki: Ten bucks says she dies!
Aki: *Deadpan* OH MY GOD, FUYUKI.
*Cuts to Keroro with arms up staring into camcorder*
Keroro: Mois. Look at me Mois. I choose to live my life as a schizophrenic zebra. Hee haw. Neigh. All the ding dong day.
Mois: *Slightly sad* This is really hard for me, Uncle.
Keroro: Get it- it’s cause I’m a frog. Moo-neigh.
Garuru: Hmm, a crab impression. *Garuru appears* Blending in with your surroundings. Sneaky…*Doors close* A pleasure to finally meet the man himself.
Keroro: Who let you into my secret clubhouse…Zeroro…?
Garuru: Much as I’d like to say I braved your marvelous defenses, I just kind of woke up here. Probably fell through the wrong house. Whatever! *Pulls out gun*
Keroro: Look man. I’m toast. *Pregnant pause* You know?
Garuru: … *Sincerely* I do. I never thought of it that way-
Mois: *Jumps in to defend Keroro* You! You’re the one who did this to him, aren’t you?! I won’t let you hurt him anymore-!
*Cut to Mois immediately trapped*
Garuru: *Extremely amused* How did you not see that coming?! Seriously!
Taruru: We’ve kept a good eye on you guys for a long time now. We know about Mois, we know about Dumple, and we know there’s no way you can win this-
Garuru: *Moves Angol stone closer* YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME!
Taruru: Lieutenant, please!
Keroro: Alright, alright, Garuru! I just walked into a wall. Now I’m ready to negotiate.
Mois: Uncle, don’t do it!
Keroro: *Calmly* Mois, did I ever tell you the story of the handicapped boy?
Keroro: Good! *Turns back* Anyway, you basically have Earth, so, have fun with that. This place is 75% percent water, most of it you can’t drink, but that shouldn’t be a problem.
Garuru: You’re trying to make me underestimate you, aren’t you? Well then I will overestimate you completely.
Keroro: You’re gonna what-?
Garuru: HE’S GOT A GUN!
Garuru: GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS!
Keroro: Look, it’s not that bad; you just use a filter!
*Cut to Natsumi’s suit steaming*
Fuyuki: I think your boobs have a leak.
Aki: *To herself* What the hell…?
Natsumi: Well, I wish I had time to test this thing out, but I don’t think I have a choice.
Fuyuki: Left hand is rockets, right hand is a sword, and squeeze your butt to fly. Also screaming helps. I don’t what for though.
Natsumi: *Running away* Okay Fuyuki!
Aki: You give Keroro a big hug for me when you see him!
Natsumi: *Slightly unhinged* …Sure, Mom. I’ll squeeze his little brains into stew. *Wings protrude, Natsumi revs up to fly* For the both of us!
*Natsumi takes off*
Giroro: *Over machine* Shit, how long’s this been on?!
Machine: Message 300
*Cuts to Garuru*
Garuru: *Reverent* Amazing. Without even trying, you’ve backed me into a corner! I have no choice but to play along. I demand you give me the Kero Ball.
Keroro: …The what?
Garuru: The…Kero Ball? Every platoon leader is given one?
Keroro: …I’ve got a cheese ball in the back.
Garuru: *In his mind, pissed off* Damnit, he was prepared! *Out loud, serious and angry* That’s it! I didn’t want to take it this far, but you’ve bested me once too many.
*Clicks fingers, a machine pops out of the ground*
Garuru: If you won’t give me the Kero Ball, you’re gonna give me the next best thing.
*Machine reaches for Keroro*
Garuru: This machine will enhance your abilities as a soldier and a leader. One cycle and you’ll be at your physical peak. For some reason your peak was in grade school.
*Liquid fills chamber*
Keroro: *Muffled freaking out, gags under the liquid*
Garuru: Also you might get just a little bit brainwashed. It may be a bit drastic, but at times like these, you gotta get serious. Welcome to the Garuru Platoon, Keroro!
*Cut to Natsumi flying, shot of the city*
Giroro: *Over device* Now that that’s out of the way, I didn’t think the suit would be enough, so I wrote you a song.
Natsumi: *Low* There isn’t an “off” command, is there…?
Giroro: *Starts strumming guitar* I hope you like your new suit. I made it with asbestos.
Look out ahead, there’s a bunch of mosquitos. Use your wings like a pair of knives.
If you point somewhere, the shots will go there. To use the shields, just get shot.
You probably just got blown through a school window.
Unless you used the booster, than it’s your own fault.
Flying a suit through the school hallway. That’s probably illegal on this planet.
Then again, look at what you’re wearing.
Why’d you try and block them with a door?
*Cuts suddenly back to Fuyuki and Aki*
Fuyuki: *To himself* I know it’s in here. I haven’t unpacked in three years. *Stuff falls out* There it is!
Aki: Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a report card from you.
Fuyuki: *Irritated* All this thinking about Keroro, and I only just remembered this from when we first met!
*Brief fade in to Keroro saying “For realzies?” from Episode 1, fade back in to fully revealed Kero Ball*
Aki: *Happy face* Wow! …What the hell is that!
Fuyuki: It’s the-…It’s Keroro’s… *strained* uh… uh…
*Cut back to Natsumi*
Giroro: *Still singing* I could crack the code of your heart, but that might be leukemia.
You leave me speechless, but that might be lockjaw.
*Cut back to Fuyuki and Aki*
Fuyuki: If I can figure this thing out, maybe I can save Sarge…
Aki: *Sounding proud* Oh, my brave little boy~! …Seriously, are you passing? Failing?
*Monster appears, Aki swats arm away*
Aki: *Serious, out loud* Never mind! We’ll discuss everything later. Fuyuki, if you think you can save Keroro and our home, you do it!
Fuyuki: But…what if I never see you again, Mom?!
Aki: You never see me anyway! Go!
Fuyuki: …Right… *Clicks Kero Ball*
Todd: *Balloon off in distance* I love you, son- oh motherfucker- *explodes into hillside*
*Monster revs up attack, screen goes white, cut to Tororo*
Tororo: Heheheheh! That’s one of them down. Now for the little shit who’s killing my mosquitoes! *Holds up wedge of something* …Oh Mr Triangle. Why are you cheese?
*Cuts to Natsumi divebombing the house*
Giroro: *Slower and more depressed* My love for you is like a broken femur. I scream for help but you ignore me.
Natsumi: There was a delete button, Giroro. God!
*Crashes through roof, lands in base*
Giroro: So do you love me yet?
Natsumi: Ugh… *Sees Mois, gasps* Mois!
Garuru: *In the distance* Such sad irony. The princess arrives to the save the king. *Taruru and Zoruru fade in* Giroro gave you that, didn’t he? Doesn’t matter; even a weapon forged out of affection can’t stop the inevitable. Your friends are gone, my dear, and now you’re alone. You are-
Giroro: *Over device* You know what, forget it. I like cock now.
Giroro: *Guitar crash* GAH, MY FEMUR! NATSUMIIIII…!
Garuru: *Holds up gun* Yeah, just die or something.
*Natsumi’s suit fires gun, Zoruru and Taruru attack*
Zoruru: We have nothing in common, god!
Taruru: *Revving* Huuuuh- OW MY EYES!
*Suit blocks with shields, explosion*
Garuru: You can control Keronian technology this well? Impressive...
Natsumi: *Confidently* All right! I think things are going to work out just fi-
Suit: Hourly shock therapy now commencing. Please clench teeth and prepare for comfort.
Natsumi: ...Balls. *Shocked* AAAAAAAAAAGH! *Suit disintegrates*
Garuru: Well that was wacky. Anyway, I guess you’re our prisoner now.
Natsumi: *Weakly* Damnit, I’m not giving up that easily!
Garuru: I wouldn’t be so sure. You haven’t seen what we do to our prisoners. You can almost say...it's a serious makeover... But I said it, so don't. *Keroro appears* Ah, Admiral. Your timing is impeccable.
Natsumi: *Small gasp*
Keroro: So. Aborted fetuses. What’s up with that?
Natsumi: So now he’s just an asshole with a helmet?
Garuru: If “ass” means “admiral” on your planet, absolutely. With just the right motivation, even the greatest warriors can become my slaves. And younger, ‘cause it’s funny.
Keroro: If you have to charge your phone, then why is it a terrible leader?
Garuru: His brain may be a little scrambled, but he can still do what I say. All of his military expertise are mine.
Natsumi: …You…did the universe… a great service today.
Garuru: Uh…why thank you.
*Fuyuki teleports in*
Fuyuki: Someone catch me! *Rolls* Good job, me!
Taruru: *Freaking out* Ah! Lieutenant! He’s got the Kero Ball!
Fuyuki: *Readies to press Kero Ball* Alright villains! Is your twat north or south poled?!
Taruru: *Turns to Garuru, out loud* Which one are we, sir?
Zoruru: Shut up.
Fuyuki: One wrong move and I’ll press the button to do the bad stuff! And ooh, you’re gonna feel mad!
Keroro: At ease, soldier. *Turns to face Fuyuki*
Keroro: What did the condom do to the lunch lady? They broke up. Sucks, doesn’t it?! *Sly face* Well, now she lives in Queens with her two sisters. With HEP-A-titis! And a child that nobody loves. Called HEP-A-titis!
Fuyuki: Sarge, please stop! It’s not funny anymore!
Keroro: *Yelling, but smiling* You know what’s really funny?! *Clank, cuts back to Keroro with helmet off* It’s that no matter what you do, no matter how you try, you just can’t make anyone happy! Your boss tells you to take over the world, you try and take over the world, he tries to kill ya! *Shows image of HQ’s mothership*
You find the man you love, it turns out he’s a she, and she wants to live in a mansion ‘cause she’s a fucking gold digger! *Shows image of Tamama in pile of candy*
And now your best friend is standing in front of you, ready to kill you!
All ‘cause your family sold you for $49.99! And you had to buy yourself back!
*Shows clips of: “We can sell Dororo for cash”, ”I am not my little brother!”; “He left your mom!”; “There’s no way you got rich legally”*
Don’t complain to me, Fuyuki. I’m a walking disaster.
Now hand it over.
Fuyuki: *Quietly* You’re right, Keroro, it is funny. Somehow you managed to turn everything that happened into everyone else’s fault. Have you ever thought about why you can’t make people happy? Maybe it’s ‘cause nothing you have ever done in your life has been for anyone else. You hurt my sister for questioning you, you abandoned Tamama for being herself, you take advantage of Giroro for keeping the team together, you mock Dororo for his undying devotion to you …And tell me, Keroro… *Breaks* Did you ever ONCE think of what I go through to protect you?! *Falls to knees*
You don’t care about anyone…you just drag everyone through the dirt…now everyone who ever cared about you hates you…but it didn’t matter to me. You were my friend, the only real friend I ever had…I took everything you gave us…’cause I wanted you to be happy…Does that mean a fucking thing to you?!
Please, Keroro…Please tell me…at least a part of you cares about me. Please… tell me a part of you is good…
*Keroro gets knocked back through light*
Garuru: Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know.
Keroro: Fuyuki. Give me the Kero Ball. Please…
*Hands over in silence, presses speaker button*
Keroro: Sergeant Keroro to the Keroro Platoon. Corporal Giroro, *fades in to Giroro in water* you’re a frog. You can survive living in water. Get out. *Giroro blasts out of water*
*Cut to Tamama*
Keroro: Private Tamama, put on something sexy and get your sweet ass back here.
*Tamama convulses a bit, then gets engulfed in light*
Deep, omnipotent voice: Tamama…Tamama…
Tamama: Is that you, Jesus…?
Beetle Jesus: Correct.
Tamama: You’re taller than I imagined. And you have more legs…Skin color’s right, though.
Beetle Jesus: I am neither black nor white, Tamama; I am beetle.
*Zooms in through Tamama’s eyes to Beetle Jesus’ eyes*
Tamama: Beetle Jesus…Beetle be praised!
*Cuts to Dororo meditating*
Keroro: Lance Corporal Dororo. I said your name right. You owe me.
Dororo: *Sigh* Keroro, I will not be swayed so easily anymore.
Keroro: *Singsong* You’ll be cool for once~!
Dororo: *Singsong* Go fuck yourself.
Viper: Hey, do you have any other siblings I can sell for bail money?
Viper: So what are you doing in the sewer anyway? Shouldn’t you be in the mountains or something?
Dororo: I forgot to bring my blankie! Besides, why are you even in my head right now? You never acknowledge me.
Viper: Because I’m never gonna to your face.
Viper: Just get up and go help Keroro. You do owe him. And remember: always be there for your family...and thanks for the fifty bucks.
Dororo: Father…? Hmm, I wonder why he said that- …Oh! God! DAMNIT!
*Blasts out of sewer*
Keroro: *Does silly pose* Hyeeeeee~! Eeeee~! Eeee- *Explodes into light, returns to normal* Sergeant Keroro, reporting for duty! AAAGH- uhh…Work…
*Cut to Garuru*
Keroro: Fuyuki, I owe you an apology, so you can go first.
Keroro: I’ll be waitin’. Natsumi. Why are you tied up?
Natsumi: *Sobbing* I DON’T KNOW.
Garuru: I don’t understand, Keroro. It’s like we’re playing Chess and you’re beating me but I still have all my pieces; it doesn’t make sense! Still you’ll never beat my clever mind. Unless you’re more clever… *Blows gasket* Er-…Eh-…Er, ugh…AH... PLATOON ATTACK!
*Energy beam explosion, Mois’s crystal breaks, Tamama appears engulfed in flames*
Taruru: Mi-…Mister Tamama!
*Rockets fire, Giroro flies in screaming “Ride of the Valkyries” as the song plays, Garuru shoots missiles out of air, aims sniper into explosions*
Garuru: Your singing is beautiful, but you still can’t win! GAH!
*Shots fired, hits his wings, Giroro appears behind him*
Giroro: Who’s the fairy now, Brother?
Giroro: I’ve got one bullet left in my flail pistol; I’m gonna use it…somewhat properly.
Natsumi: *Happy* Giroro! Thank you for the power armor! *Awkwardly* It…answered a lot of questions…
Giroro: I’m sorry, Natsumi. We were never meant to be.
Natsumi: Well I could have told you that.
Giroro: I have a gun, Natsumi.
*Cut to Tamama approaching Taruru*
Taruru: *Freaking out* Mister Tamama! Please! Please don’t kill me! Let’s go back to how it used to be! How about a game of “Taruru Dies”?!
- Blasts Taruru into wall*
Tamama: May Beetle Jesus have mercy on you, ‘cause I sure as hell won’t. I’ll give you a moment to pray. WOOPS.
*Cut to Dororo jumping into air*
Dororo: It’s finally complete! GIAAANT NINJAAA FUCK-YOU STAAAAAR!
*Dink, pause, crashing and destruction of a building in the distance*
Tororo: Did you hear something, Mr. Triangle?
Dororo: *Losing composure* I…saved…the DAAAAAAAAGH!!!
*Jumps into base*
Dororo: *Clears throat* I helped the most; don’t question it.
*Cuts to Tororo in mothership*
Tororo: *Giggling* I thought I’d have more trouble hacking into your system, Dad. I really expected more from you. *Computers start changing* Wha-? What?!
Kululu: *Harmonized* Heeeeeeeeegh-
-Py birthday to you. Hegh-ppy birthday to you. I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out too.
Tororo: *Freaking out* Wha- WHA- WHA- AH- AGH –AGH -AAGH *Tororo appears over Kululu’s monitor*
Kululu: *Now has pencil mustache, finger over red button* And many HEEEEEEEEGH! *Presses button*
Tororo: *Screams in terror*
*Computers electrify and explode, Koyuki falls out of sky*
Koyuki: *Lands with a grunt* Huh…?
Raiden: Raiden managed to avoid drowning!
Snake: Building the future and keeping the past alive are one in the same thing.
Snake: Why you little bitch-!
Raiden and Snake: AAAGH *Snake tackles Raiden, punching is heard* AaaAaaAAAGH!
Saburo: …The fuck…?
*Aki appears, blinks*
Kululu: *Relaxed* Ahhh…I feel time travely…
Natsumi, Mois, Keroro, Fuyuki, Tamama: YAY!
Keroro: Great job, I don’t know what you did!
Natsumi, Mois, Keroro, Fuyuki, Tamama: Huh?
Zoruru: *Walking in from the fog* I’ve been looking forward to this, Lance Corporal. Rumours of your immortality have spread far and wide. I deem to prove them wrong.
Dororo: ...Are you Robocop?
Keroro: Wow, Dororo, you're an ass.
Mois: Well is he?!
Zoruru: Someone…is finally…unaware of me…?! THANK YOU… *Disappears*
Dororo: Oh- oh dear…
Giroro: Oh what now?!
Garuru: You defeated my entire platoon. Just as I knew you would. You know, HQ sent us to take over this planet in your place, but it’s obvious we’re not needed here: you’ve got this planet locked within your magnificent, froggy grip. Taruru, gather the casualties. We’re returning to home base immediately, and they’re not gonna like the news.
Giroro: You’re too nice, shut up!
Garuru: You know, maybe I just didn’t want to make you feel bad about all of your faults. You have a lot of them.
Giroro: Oh…well…thank you, Brother-
Garuru: I mean you were crap in school, you live in a tent, I’m pretty sure you’re sexually confused-
Giroro: I get it, Garuru.
Garuru: Plus you’re a terrible shot.
*Cuts to mothership flying away*
Taruru: How are we going to tell HQ that we lost, Lieutenant?
Garuru: By telling them we lost to a powerful opponent. Sergeant Keroro, I will respect you until the day I die-
Kululu: I guess the ninja star did work. Ha, ha, ha!
*Fade in to sky shot of Hinata house with large hole*
Fuyuki: *Singing while hammering roof* This hammer is-a fixing my roof.
Giroro: *Sigh* Not even Dororo’s plants made it out alive. *Sees cat* You know, I’ve been thinking I should do more stuff with him. Be a little more outgoing. What do you think, you ball of snot?
Keroro: *Whacks him with board* Hi-plank! *Irritated* You left me hanging, you jerk!
*Cut to Keroro and Tamama laying out tarp*
Fuyuki: Sarge, I’ve been thinking since yesterday.
Keroro: Well there’s your mistake there…oh, sorry.
Fuyuki: If everyone on Earth is frozen but us, and we have the Kero Ball that lets us do whatever we want...what does that mean exactly?
Keroro: *Pregnant pause, music cuts out, zoom in more on Keroro*
Wow. We actually took over the world… Guys! I knew sitting around like an asshole would work!
Keroro: Well, now that my mission’s accomplished, it’s time to go back to what I do best. NOOOOOTHIIIIIING-and sex.
Tamama: I come in the name of the Church of Beetle Christ. May you flip over your opponent and mate with the female.
Giroro: I mean we could take those jobs with the Galactic Observation Dominion, but they’ve had nothing but scandals these last few years. …I guess we can do a…blog or something.
Dororo: Go, viruses and bacteria! Go parasites and cancer! Run free! Run free! *Silly* No, streptococcus, you can’t stayyyy.
Future Kululu: Wow. That dumbass actually pulled it off. Not that he could have done it without me. …This isn’t right. I’m going back in time.
Fuyuki: In this world, I see myself as an authority figure. But to become president of the universe, I need your vote!
Paul: Very good, young man!
Puppet Momoka: ENCORE!
Fuyuki: I plan to lower the money while raising the money!
Puppet Momoka: IT MAKES SEEENSE!
Fuyuki: Unlike my opponent, DESK…
Paul and Puppet Momoka: BOOOO!
*Explosion in the distance*
Fuyuki: And there goes my opponent.
Natsumi: Hey Koyuki.
Koyuki: *Cheery* Hey Natsumi!
Natsumi: …Let’s go for it.
Aki: You know, I’m really not used to this whole mother thing. Take a shower. Cut your hair. Do your homework. Go to bed. Who wants a tire swing with training wheels?
Mois: It’s time I finally confessed my true feelings to Uncle… is that duct tape?
*Earth starts splitting*
Viper: I’m glad both you boys could come along.
Dororo: Dad, why’d you bring Keroro and I camping? You’re not gonna take my kidneys again, are you?
Viper: Come on! Haven’t you heard of a father and sons campout?
Dororo: Oh Dad, you and your LISP!
Pururu: This whole time freeze thing has been lucrative. Makes your wallets really accessible! *Pause* Also store merchandise. Really accessible!
The Narrator: *Drunk* So, uh, Giroro’s doing a blog, huh? Yeah. Tell me how that works out. *Gulp*
Special thanks from Thorn, Yoshi and Travis to Lilly, Revy, Jpace, Code, Brandy, Vorhias, Jacob, MrFailGame, 1Kids, xJerry64x, Airrest, and all of our viewers and fans
Narrator: Also there’s no way to turn off the mic so I can say whatever the hell I want. Even to the dead people. What are they gonna do: dead me to death? Momoka? Stuck up bitch. Paul, I wish he was dead. All he can do is destroy; why can’t he fix anything? Dororo’s not fucking lonely, what is he talking about? How did they go that long without knowing Tamama was a girl?! I mean stupidity aside, penis is a pretty clear indication! *Pause* What…?
Patty Morgan Sanders
Oh wait, he’s alive again.
Never mind, he’s ascending now.
(During RIP list)
Tamama: I am the Beetle Prophet. May you always carry a hard shell to block out the outside world, and that horrible hissing noise you make when you’re really pissed off. For thou hast climbed many trees thou cannot climb, and once on back cannot get back up. For lo, did Beetle Jesus ascend onto me and deliver the message “HHGGRSSHHHHEEESSGHGHGEEELEEEGH”. And in that moment, I knew that abortion was wrong.
Giroro: Tamama, is there really a Beetle Jesus?
Tamama: Probably not, I was having a seizure.
Tamama: Oooh, I felt a kick!