|Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 17|
Main episode article
Koyuki: Did you sense it, too…?
Dororo: I did… they’re finally here…!
*Star symbol jams into video*
*Cuts to view of the Nishizawa control center.
Nishizawa scientist: Mr. Moriyama! All of our equipment is going haywire!
Paul: *Defensively* I didn’t do shit!
Nishizawa scientist: It’s not you, sir! *Lower* We checked. *Louder again, cuts to city center* Something is jamming electronic signals across Tokyo. *Cuts to world map* We’re starting to get reports of it from across the globe.
Paul: *Thinking, Concerned* Hmmm… I’ve seen that star before….
*Star fades into Keroro’s belly*
Keroro: “Rohor”?! I’m on TV, and they get my name wrong?!
Reporter Lady: After severe budget and staff cuts, the quicksand company went under.
Natsumi: *Angry* Gave up on the world, moved onto the internet, huh?
Keroro: Hey, I like the internet! I have never been high enough to plan to kill the internet!
Keroro: Fuyukiiii- Oh my god! Not you too!
Fuyuki: Sarge…after this, we are never burning down a post-office ever again.
Keroro: *Loud squeak*
*Cuts to Keroro sitting on box crying*
Keroro: *Sobbing, stuffy* I didn’t break the world…! It was this way when I found it…! *In the background* What the hell was I doing in the military?! The train is all like “I think I can- I think I can” but it crashed! I was gonna be a chiropractor! But then I broke my back! So I decided to be a botanist! I broke my back again!
Giroro: Wish I had a camera. Dororo would like that.
Kululu: *Greatly amused* Ha-ha-ha, man these guys have no style!
Kululu: It’s a picture of a star! I collapsed Uganda with porn, and look at this D-grade shit!
Giroro: Look, why don’t you make yourself useful and find its source?
Kululu: *Sinister* I already did. It’s a Keron starship.
Giroro: *Concerned* Hnnn…
Keroro: *Crying* And I can’t take it anymore! *Runs away* AAAAGH- *KONK* …Aaaaagh…
Mois: *Slightly sad* I hope Uncle feels better soon. If anyone can fix this, it’s him.
Kululu: Mois? You’re fucking dumb.
*Cuts to Keroro on roof*
Keroro: *Deep wheeze, still sobbing* A Disney Princess would sing a song at this point, right?! Come on kitty! Altogether now! *Broken singing* You’re just too busy to see me- busy busy! Busy clippers, oh-oh, oh-oh! HAIRDRESSER ON FIRE!
*Banging is heard*
Natsumi: GET! OFF! THE ROOF!
Keroro: Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary- *Yelling* WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME, DORORO?!
Cat: I don’t remember that part. Do it again.
*Cuts to Natsumi and the Lesbos*
Natsumi: *Friendly* You know, it’s nice to catch up with you guys. We haven’t talked in a while.
Lesbo #2: Oh yeah, we never told you, but we broke up with you a year ago.
Lesbo #1: You still owe us half of your stuff.
Natsumi: *Content* Ahh, yeah I missed this. *Casual* But whoever stole my mace needs to give it back.
*Flash, squeal continues*
Natsumi: Whoa… did you guys feel that- ? *Worried* Guys…? *Sees other people frozen, gets progressively more freaked out* What- ? What happened here- ? *Gasp!* You finally sent me to hell!
*Cuts to Koyuki and Dororo*
Dororo: This is just as I feared.
Koyuki: Did you know they would do this?
Dororo: No, I think I stepped in gum… Koyuki, I need you to find the others. If we’re unaffected, then they might be as well.
Koyuki: *Nods* What will you do?
Dororo: I… need to be alone for a while.
Koyuki: You? Alone…?!
Dororo: No doubt we will face horrors we have never seen before. I must mentally prepare myself through Ninja Focus and intense meditation.
Dororo: I want to learn how to make a giant ninja fuck-you star, okay?
Koyuki: Not our village’s secret technique!
Dororo: One and the same! Wish me luck, my friend.
Koyuki: I don’t want to sound like a broken record here, but do you need a child tracker?
Dororo: I’ll be fine, Koyuki.
Koyuki: It’s not gonna hurt; believe me, you’ve lost more blood than this before.
Dororo: Koyuki, trust me: for once in my life, I think I’ll be okay being alone. For once I have friends at my back and a husband waiting for me at home. Now trust me as I trust you to look after them.
Koyuki: Be careful, Dororo.
Dororo: Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW! *splut, splut, splut*
Koyuki: You have my phone number!
Dororo: ALRIGHT, MOM!
*Cuts to Natsumi being attacked*
Natsumi: AAAH! This is the kind of nostalgia I hate!
*Koyuki cuts tentacles*
Koyuki: *Confident* You’re safe, Muffin!
Natsumi: *Passive aggressive* Thanks, Good Friend!
Koyuki: Did I miss anything?
Monster: *”Pee-Wee” scream*
Natsumi: *Nervous* Oh, just me being attacked *terror* by THAT THING!
Koyuki: Ugh, not good… Natsumi, run and tell the others this is definitely not mime-related!
Natsumi: What about mimes?
Koyuki: Go warn the others Natsumi. I will fight this monster alone, because I have a husband and something Dororo said.
Natsumi: *Forlorn* Oh, Koyuki, they froze your brain too… *Runs away, Zoruru appears in shadows*
Koyuki: *Readying attack* Ninja…magic bullshit! Ice Kunai!
*Creature falls apart*
Koyuki: Aw yeah! Totally pulled that outta my ass! *Gasp!*
*Zoruru appears in front of her*
Zoruru: Impressive. I pull things out of my arm. *Kills Koyuki*
*Cuts to Dororo*
Dororo: *Singing* I just spent five minutes in darkness and I FORGOT KOYUKI’S NUMBER!
*Cuts back to Koyuki disappearing, then Garuru’s ship appears*
Kululu: You guys might want to see this.
*Cuts to in base*
Giroro: Is that what I think it is?
Keroro: I love this new shade of death purple!
Kululu: It’s a Keronian Planet Barrier, alright. That explains why all the humans are frozen and why we’re not affected.
Giroro: Well then there’s no question. We’re seriously being invaded.
Keroro: *Angry* What are you guys talking about?! If anyone’s gonna be serious here, it’s me!
Giroro: If you were serious about your job, this wouldn’t be happening!
Mois: *Serious* Incoming transmission, Uncle! *Happy* It says “Sorry I missed Christmas!”
Giroro: Oh my god, I knew it...
Keroro: *Ecstatic* Bony’s home!!!
*Monster appears in front of Natsumi and Fuyuki*
Natsumi and Fuyuki: AAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Monster: *”Pee-Wee” scream*
*Giroro immediately shoots it dead*
Giroro: *Heavy panting*
Giroro: I need you two to get inside. Now.
Natsumi: *Softly, slightly scared* Giroro, what’s going on…? What’s happening…?
*Garuru floats down, Todd is far in the distance*
Todd: Todd’s Toilets, interstellar protectors of- *boom*
Giroro: My brother.
Natsumi and Fuyuki: Huh?!
Garuru: Long time no see, little brother. I see they sent a cadet to do a general’s job…Er, a corporal to a lieutenant- ah fuck it, it’s not worth it. *Happy* How you been, Giroro? We don’t keep in touch like we used to! I see you’ve been making friends, both beautiful and… slightly obtuse.
Giroro: Warm-hearted bastard…
Garuru: You know, word’s been spreading about your failings as a soldier, and it’s made me think…*Loud* about the time I taught you how to read! I’m so proud of you!
Giroro: *Freaking out* MAKE HIM STOOOOP! I’M AN INDIVIDUAL, I LIKE WOMAN’S CLOTHING AND LOOK PRETTY IN PINK.
*Garuru throws ball*
Giroro: Huh?! …What…?
Garuru: It’s a compliment ball. A concentrated dose of love.
Giroro: *Explodes* AAAAAAAAGH!
Garuru: You always were so independent. I’m sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, but I’m not surprised the Kiruru didn’t work. That thing was supposed to take care of you, then we’d show up a week later and clear out any stragglers. I’m not happy I’m on this mission, Giroro, but I’m proud to see that you wouldn’t go down without a fight.
Natsumi: You know, he seems like a pretty nice guy.
Giroro: *Muffled* BUT HE’S SO SUPPORTIVE!
Garuru: And you will have a fight ahead of you.
*Cuts to darkness*
Garuru: My platoon are all here. Lance Corporal Zoruru, our military’s most lethal assassin.
Raiden: Totally had onion rings for the first time. Talk about fucking greasy- AGH!
*Zoruru cuts through, guts Raiden*
Raiden: Oh my god, I’m dead L.O.L. blegh…
*Cuts to Tororo typing*
Garuru: Our new recruit and hacking wizard, Tororo. Honestly, he’s kind of a tool.
Tororo: *Giggling maniacally to himself*
*Cuts to Tamama*
Garuru: And our frontline soldier…
Tamama: Private Taruru…
Taruru: Well hey there, Mister Tamama! How long has it been?
*Paul and Momoka can be seen in background. Draw an arm reaching out from behind them to Momoka’s back*
Tamama: I like to think we’ve never met.
Taruru: Well I like to think about birthdays! Someone’s got one coming uuuuup!
Paul: Mistress Tamama, Puppet Mistress wonders how you know this walking turd.
*Puppet Momoka* RADA DID YOU TWO GO TO SCHOOL, RADARADA?!
Tamama: Urgh, he’s just some kid from boot camp! He would always follow me around, call me his “mentor”, tell me to teach him shit! So I taught him how to check for trains with his face.
Taruru: Hah! Yeah, I miss “Taruru Dies”, but I’m afraid that’s a thing of the past, Mister Tamama. *Starts walking up* Lieutenant Garuru taught me much more then you ever have, and now I’m here to prove that I can defeat my own mentor.
Tamama: You…You’ve just gone and fucked the beehive! *Symbol ignites* WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT- *Explodes* HAAAAAAAGH…
*Smoke clears around Taruru*
Taruru: That’s my Mister Tamama. Even when he loses, he’s a cheater!
*Cuts to Garuru approaching the house*
Garuru: Well, I guess I’d better find your Sergeant. I hear he’s a crafty one; should be interesting…
Fuyuki: No! I won’t let you hurt anyone!
Natsumi: *Worry* Fuyuki!
Garuru: *Thinking* Heh, brave kid. *Out loud* And why not, little man?
Fuyuki: You don’t know the password!
Fuyuki: Ha! It’s “gargoyle!” Shit.
Garuru: *Thinking* …They want me to go in, don’t they…? *Out loud* You make your Sergeant proud, pointy one. *Manifests gun* You also make a big mistake.
Giroro: *In distance* Like not watching your back! *Explosion*
*Giroro and Garuru go flying off*
Garuru: There’s one thing I never taught you: how to shoot.
Giroro: Urgh, is that why you only gave me the flail pistol?
Garuru: Well, one out of 200 ain’t bad!
*Fires at Garuru*
Natsumi: Okay, I am fucking done with frogs!
Giroro: Natsumi! Take this!
Giroro: *Yelling out* I made that back when I had a crush on you! So, you know, don’t read too much into it…!
Natsumi: What is it?
Device: You have 300 new messages. Message 1.
Giroro: Uh, hey Natsumi, uh- shit.
Device: Message 2.
Giroro: Hey there, Sport. She’s not a 5 year-old boy-
Device: Message 3.
Giroro: Hey, what’s lookin’ good cookin’- Oh my f-
*Cut to the brothers flying up the tower*
Giroro: I could actually hit you if you’d JUST SIT STILL!
Garuru: You could if you’d finished military training! *Fires gun* We can’t all get an F for “Fantastic”!
Giroro: SHUT UUUUUUP!
*Giroro fires erratically*
Garuru: You know, it’s really hard to be proud of you at times like this.
Giroro: WELL IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME! *Gun jams* Uh-?!
*Garuru manifests sniper*
Garuru: You fought bravely, little brother, but it’s time I went after the real soldier.
*Fires shot, Giroro’s hit*
Natsumi: *Gasp* What was that…?!
Dororo: *Singing* Well you can tell by the way I broke my hand, I’m really bad at this- *GASP* GIROROOOOO!!!
*Cut to Keroro standing in base, BEEP*
Giroro: *Garbled sounds*
Keroro: What’s that Giroro? You’re drowning?
Giroro: *Garbled sounds*
Keroro: So am I…in your complaints!
Mois: *Worried* Uncle…I’ve lost his signal…
Keroro: *To self, breathing deeply, tense* Everything’s fine…everything’s fine…think about videos of kittens…I forgot what a kitten looks like…this actually scares me more than ever before- EVERYTHING IS FINE!
*Cut to Zoruru slicing through truck*
Zoruru: I wish people were like trucks; they’d cry a lot less. Hmm? Ahh…HA! Human children located- *Eyes blink, Skype ringtone* Goddamnit Mom! I’m on “Do Not Disturb” for a reason!
*Cut to base being powered down by Tororo*
Keroro: Uh…you doing some mood lighting, Kululu?
*Mint’s Hints plays for a second, corrects to Tororo*
Tororo: So you’re the geniuses behind Mint’s Hints! Talk about pacing and emotional impact! Man, there are worse things you could find on your dad’s hard drive! You never told me you made Mint’s Hints!
Kululu: *Thinking, pissed* You can’t be this stupid….
Tororo: Wait’ll I tell all the kids at school! Oh wait they’re all dead. I got kicked out for catching and spreading rabies AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MY LOCKJAW WAS MORE OF A FATHER THAN YOU EVER WERE!
Kululu: RrrrrrrrrRRRR! *Pulls lever*
Keroro: KULULU NO- I mean, I’m in charge of dinner tonight, don’t worry about it.
Mois: *Resigned* I’m sorry, Uncle. The base ate him.
Keroro: Then we better learn how to hack, ‘cause I am not going in there…
Mois: What are we gonna do with all his lotion?
Keroro: The same as always, Mois. Not think about it…
Kululu: *Maniacal, about to explode* So…!!! The little shit wants a family reunion, does he?! Well, daddy’s home! *Loudly* I made you, Tororo, and I’m gonna Ctrl Alt FUCK YOU UP!!!
*Cuts to school*
Natsumi: *Breathing deep*
Fuyuki: I have now proven this is not our house.
Natsumi: *Panting* Well…done…idiot…
Fuyuki: Huh-?! Natsumi, look out!
Zoruru: *Starts falling* Trust fall!
Natsumi and Fuyuki: AAAAGH!
*Sword hits shield, Saburo appears*
Natsumi: *Ecstatic* You’re not dead! *Giving order*…Yet, meat shield!
*The two run away*
Zoruru: Oh god, you’re giving me eye contact? What- do you think we’re dating or something?
*Cuts to Mois*
Mois: Uncle! Fuyuki and Natsumi are under attack!
Keroro: Yeah, bullies at that school are awful.
Mois: It’ll take too long to charge the transporter to bring them home, but I can at least get them out of there.
*Zoruru approaches Fuyuki and Natsumi*
Natsumi and Fuyuki: Ah…!
Zoruru: Want me to cook dinner for you? Well guess what! I can’t cook! Thanks for bringing it up!
*Bomb lands, explodes*
Keroro: Hit it, Mois!
Mois: Yes, sir!
*Fuyuki and Natsumi teleport*
Zoruru: Heh-heh-heh… Clever trick, pretty boy. Think you can do it again?
Zoruru: …You know, I don’t like being stared at…
Zoruru: Oh my god, WHY DO PEOPLE FIND ME SO INTERESTING?!
*Cuts to Keroro*
Mois: Transportation successful.
Keroro: Alriiiight. Let’s go for a taco to celebrate.
Mois: I’m afraid Taco Bell’s been destroyed.
Keroro: EVERYTHING…IS FIIIIINE- *CRACK* COOOOÑOOOOO!
*Fuyuki and Natsumi appear in forest*
Natsumi and Fuyuki: Gah…!
Fuyuki: Ugh, I hate that Raiden.
Aki: Fuyuki? *Happier* Natsumi?
Natsumi: *Ecstatic* Mom!
Aki: *Great relief* Oh, I’m so glad you’re safe. How did you two get here?
Natsumi: *Sobbing* I DON’T KNOOOOOW!
Fuyuki: I think it’s pretty obvious: I learned magic.
Keroro: *Over loudspeaker* Is it on...?
Keroro: Is it on...?
Keroro: Don’t lie to me, Mois! Is it on?!
Mois: You’re on, Uncle!
Keroro: *Video* Ahem…Attention, Hinata family. I am recording this video before I delve into intense denial. If you are watching this video, I have lost my fucking mind. Do not try to find me, for I’ll have burnt down your house by the time you got back. You see, it’s finally hit me that Garuru has arrived to finish what I started. And considering how much farther he has gotten in his mission then I have, I should really consider getting more training...but that's for nerds.
Natsumi: *Sad* He knew this whole time…?
Keroro: Fuyuki, my dear Fuyuki… if I had the power, I would promote you to General. Take the rap for all this shit. Boob lady, I could never remember your name, but I’ll remember you the most for the rest of my days. Natsumi, I considered you a military ration. If we ran out of food, I’d have eaten you first.
Natsumi: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Keroro: Everyone, I didn’t want to go out this way; for I wanted you all to be buried with me in my sarcophagus. However, this can no longer be. Lady, gentleman, and Natsumi…
Keroro: Vaya Con Dios…
*Video cuts out*
*TO BE CONTINUED*
Keroro: Is it off? Is it off? Is it off…? I think it’s off…
Dororo: *In the tune of Flash Gordon *
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DOR…dun dun dun dun RO-Roooo…
*Stands up * MEDITATING IN A CAVE! *Echo; sits back down*
Phew…fifteen minutes… Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…