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SAHNIK (script)

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Episode Scripts

Main episode article


The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting.


Vee: You are watching WTMF-49, with a special premiere of a brand new TV movie: SsssAHnic. Please enjoy, and remember, you didn't pay for this.

Sonic: *Scatting obnoxiously over the Sonic X opening, TV-Y7 replaced with SO-NIC*

*Episode opens, dramatic score*

Eggman: 3...2...1...

Sonic: SONIC!

Eggman: *Sigh* Go get him...


Sonic: *Smirking* Me! Hm! Hm-hm! Hm hm-hm hm-hm!

*Robot smacks him*

Sonic: Ow!

Tails: SONIC! I'm comin' to save you- *Plane gets shot* O...kayyy, I guess I'm not!

Amy: *Freaking out* Tails!! Why did you bring me along for this?!

Tails: Oh hi Amy!

Knuckles: Oooh NO!

Tails: OoKAY~! Thanks, Knuckles!

Amy: Knuckles!

Knuckles: Oh?

Amy: What's going on over there? Can you see?

Knuckles: No.

Decoe: It didn't work, sir.

Eggman: *Prolonged sigh, turns to Cream* I'm sorry Cream. I tried.

Cream: *Sad* Why won't Sonic leave us alone...?

Eggman: I...I don't know. I tried everything, sweety, I just-

Sonic: Bop! *Wall explodes*

Eggman: Sonic... for god's sake, I'm curing her disease! Please just give me a chance!

Sonic: My dad told me I don't have a chance in hell. So how can I give you one?

Eggman: Wha-... FUCKING...Loan one! I don't know! I don't understand you!

Sonic: Ha! Sonic! I'm standing!

Eggman: I can see that!

Sonic: Now I'm on the wall!

Eggman: Don't fire into my emergency room!

Sonic: I'll protect you!

Eggman: ...What..?!

Sonic: *Jumps away* I tried!


Eggman: AAAGH!

Bocoe: Uh...sir? Look...


*Base explodes*

Sonic: Looks like Dr. Eggman doesn't have a lab! Hey Cream, I got a joke! Ow, I'm on fire!

Tails: Well I guess this is happening today.

Knuckles: Oh no.

*Fade to white, fade in to Sonic sleeping*

Sonic: Inhale! Snore! Inhale! Snore! Huh? Well I guess I'm dead! Father?

*Car horns start*

Sonic: It is you!

Driver: Hey asshole, get out of the road!

Sonic: Aww, I missed you too.

Cop: Stop right there!

Sonic: No! *Runs away*

*Helicopter flies over*

Pilot: This is the police! You have the right to remain-

Sonic: Sonic!

Pilot: Yes you do. But also stop.

Sonic: Still no!

*Cut to blockade*

Sonic: Sonic running into the camera! Commercial! Sonic running into camera again! Sonic fly! *Sonic singing "Chariots of Fire"*

Cop: Uh, Chief, I'd just like to say, um... "shit"?

Radio man: Roger. "Shit". Hey Sam.

Sam: Did someone... "drrrriiiive-ah"?

Radio man: Yes...Sam...yes.

Sam: Well good. 'Cause I can do that.

*Cut to Speed Team walking down*

Sam: *In head, douche-sings "Chariots of Fire"*

*Cut to Sonic sitting on a lamppost*

Sonic: I wonder if Tails can fly?!

Tails: I just flew in today, and wow my ass hurts!

Sonic: *Jumping down* Guess that's a yes!

*Sam drives up*

Sam: *Talking muffled for an extended period, takes of mask* Ahhhh driving. Sooo... *Condescending* This is my, uh... CAR. I see you're still using legs. You know what I use my legs for? Making my CAR work.

Sonic: Hm!

Sam: *Still condescending* You know what I also use them for? Steering sometimes.

*Pause, cars chase after Sonic*

Sam: *Douche-dramatic* My name is Sam. Sam SPEED. I'm glad you like it. It's German.

Sonic: Oh no, I'm depressed! I'm over it!

*Jumps onto car*

Sonic: *Looks into camera* Always run into traffic, kids! Whoa, me!

Speed Team 1: Someone just run over the damn hedgehog!

Speed Team 2: *Gasp* I CAN'T!

Speed Team 1: Why not?!

Sonic: *Sings a can-can*

Speed Team 2: He'

Sam: Step aside, guys. Watch me drrriiiive. With my haaands. In my carrrr. That I uuuuse. To drrriiive-

*Blasts forward*

Sonic: *Can-can interrupted*

Sam: I'm gonna use the nitrooo. While I drrriiiive-

Speed Team 1 and 2: SHUT UP, SAM.

Sonic: *Zooming up* Ssssoooo-! So-! So-! SONiiiiiiiiic!

Sam: I just realized there's no brrrakesss... In my carrr... That I drrriiiive- *Crashes offscreen*

*Sonic flies off*

Sonic: *Flying* I still wonder if Tails can fly! I'm falling! *Falls* Ah! *Splash* Now I'm drowning! *Suddenly next to Chris* Cough! Cough-cough! Now I'm not!

Chris: Wow, you can talk! My name's Chris-!

Sonic: *Jumps back in the water* Now I am again! ...Sonic died! Darn.

*Credits, Sonic and Sam douche-chorus "Chariots of Fire"*


Tails: Yep, it's still going! This is a really slow explosion! Ohp! Here it is! Yeah, that's really hot! Ow-OH! OH! IT'S SO HOT!

Knuckles: OooOOOOOOH Nooooo.

Vee: SAHNIK will be right back after... never! Stay tuned for more Roller Disco Cancer Zebras, only on:


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