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Jetters Abridged - Episode 4

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 4

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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*Bulge Bomb*

*Arm comes out of bulge, feeds Mujoe a potato chip. Pauses. Title*

Mujoe: Ah. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar

*Episode opens with stock picture of a junkyard. Muffled explosion. Slowly pan in, fade in to Shiro and Shout standing up in wreckage*

Shout and Shiro: *Pained groaning*

Shiro: …Well clearly I can’t build a shelf.

Shout: *Worn out* Shiro, why is it whenever you move, you put us deeper into the red?

Shiro: It’s my favorite color…

Twister: Honey, I can’t remember, can we afford to turn on the TV?

Shout: *In the distance* Only way to keep us warm, Dad.

Anchor: Later tonight, we’ll answer the question of what the fuck I am. But now a special report from Arnold- *Arnold takes over screen* AAAAGH!

Arnold: Welcome back to our continuing series: Worker’s Comp Nightmares. I have a mole.

Mole: Dig it!

Arnold: So Mole, what’s the secret to your lack of success?

Mole: Well, I like to work my employees for many hours, with little pay and few breaks, until there is nothing left but a bloody mess. Then I use the blood as lubricant for the machines.

Arnold: Wow. Now that’s what I call totally fucked up.

Mole: Now listen up, all you homeless motherfuckers!

Shiro: Yes sir.

Mole: Are you tired of working in filth and squalor? Then come work in my filth and squalor! Employees will be compensated in cash and my planet’s finest coal.

Shout: *Still worn out*…Who wants to get out of the house for a while? And possibly eat?

Shiro: I dreamt of eating my legs…

Shout: I dreamt of eating your legs!

*Cuts to Mujoe in bar*

Mujoe: Oh listen to my woes, electric eel lady.

Mama: I’ll hear ‘em all, honey. BLLGHAGHGHRGAHGHA

Mujoe: Look at me, Mama. I used to be young. Tight. Firm. Big and in your face. Now I can’t even hold my own weight.

Mama: Is it the Jetters again, Mujoe?

Mujoe: Every time I get embarrassed by those Jetters kids...well...I feel like I should just tuck in and forget it's there anymore...

Mama: Confidence?

Mujoe: Yeah, why not.

Mama: I bet it’s nothing a drink on the house won’t fix.

Mujoe: Did you regurgitate this yourself?

Mama: BRGHLGRGRHHAGHA

Mujoe: You’re so good to me, Mama.

Mama: BLACHGH.

*Cut to Mole on TV*

Mole: Why yes, this is the last pickaxe of its kind in the universe!

Arnold: Um, aren’t you worried about saying that, knowing the Hige Hige Bandits could be listening right now?

Mole: Heh heh heh he- w-what?!

Mujoe: *Runs out* Too late, sucker! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob

Mama: Door’s the other way, Hun.

Mujoe: *Polite* Thank you…

*Cuts to Jetters in the ship*

Ein: Listen minions! We had to make certain cutbacks on the ship, so no seatbelts, no hyperjumps, and no complaining!

Shout: My control panel is drawn on.

Shiro: I’m sitting on a Russian…

Birdy: And don’t get me started on bees.

Ein: What’d I say about complaining?! –Is what I’d say if I could hear you, but your intercom is gone too… Hey, who else hates their job? This guy~!

Birdy: We better leave before he starts crying.

*Cosmo Jetter launches, Cut to Jetters teleporting in*

Birdy: Oh man…

Shiro: What is it?

Birdy: A man with no corners. You're not very smart, Shiro.

Shout: No, look! It’s the Hige Hige Bandits!

Deep One: Hm? *Points* …Look at that.

Mujoe: Hm?

Hige?

Mujoe: Oh great! The TVs a snitch! Alright. *Deep sigh* Let’s bring out our secret weapon.

*Door Opens*

Top Bomber: Guru guruuuu~

Mujoe: Go the fuck away!!!

Top Bomber: …I love youruru-

*Door closes*

Mujoe: Alright men, we’re on our own. Time to start digging!

*Drill Jetters launch*

Gangu: Drill Jetters, go!

Bongo: I think I see a door, Bongo.

Gangu: Adventure, awaaaay!

*Cut to Shout and Shiro drilling through ground*

Shiro: I don’t feel so good. Might have been the can I ate.

Shout: Are you really Mighty’s brother…?

Shiro: Sorry, I can’t hear over the sound of my insides rusting.

Shout: You’ve been whining since we left.

Shiro: Look, can we just finish this job and get our home back?

Shout: *Catty* Oh, who died and made you leader, huh?

Shiro: My brother. WHOA!

*Loud crunch*

Shout: …Are you okay?!

Shiro: I think *crack* so.

*Cut to Mujoe and Higes*

Mujoe: *Chant* I say “Mujoe”, you say “Go!” Mujoe!

Higes and Deep One: Hige!

Mujoe: Try again!

Deep One: Hig-! Oh…

*Mujoe pulls out iron ring, breaks teeth, throws away*

Mujoe: *Chant* I got spirit, yes I do! Dig a hole you lazy jerks!

*Cuts to Shout and Shiro, Drill Jetter is pounding wall*

Shiro: Oh god, I’m gonna start liking women! I hope I run into a woman soon! …Shout you’re taking too long.

Shout: *Angry* Don’t talk to me! I’m busy getting nowhere!

Shiro: Sounds like your sex life, *deepest* owned!

Shout: *Angry yelling* If you’re gonna be stupid and sexist, go to Bongo and- *Shocked* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Shiro: Blame all the hormones and *Super deep* drilling!!

*Drill Jetter starts pounding wall super fast*

Shout: *Crescendo* Where are those idiots when you need them?!

*Cuts to Bongo and Gangu being randomly washed down a river, sad piano music*

Gangu: Ai hav a confeshon.

Bongo: What is it, Bongo?

Gangu: I dident know wheech way we wah going...

Bongo: I have a confession too.

Gangu: What is it?

Bongo: I already knew, Bongo.

Gangu: You dident stop me?!

Bongo: Your confidence meant more to me than our success.

Gangu: Oh hold mi, duck goreela! *Sobs*

Bongo: Oh, ho, ho, Bongo- oh, ho, ho…

*Cuts to Higes exhausted*

Mujoe: Man it’s cold in here- don’t know why I brought that up. Anyway, plan A of digging after them was a bust, but luckily we can STILL take the elevator!

*Shot of elevator, Bomberman Hero menu music is piped in for every shot of elevator*

Top Bomber: YOO-HOORURU~!

Mujoe: GOD! Stop following me, ass!

*Mujoe hops immediately onto the elevator*

Top: Guru guru-

Mujoe: I hate you.

Top: Urururu…

*Elevator goes down, Shiro and Shout drill by very fast*

Shiro: *Very deep* I love the way whiskey makes my dick burn!

Shout: *Scared* Please just put the fire out!

*Crash through the wall, Shiro runs out*

Shiro: *Still deep* FREEDOM!

Shout: *Low* It’s official. I’m a lesbian.

Mujoe: *Teasing* Your tool’s in my hand.

Shout: *Quack* Wre~?

*Pans to Mujoe, Higes and Deep One are giggling*

Mujoe: Now it’s my tool. You can’t have it. Stop giggling!

Shout: Mujoe!!

Mujoe: Oh, banana fuck pudding…

Shout: *Angry* I’m no mood to deal with you right now! So just drop the tool- pickaxe and be done with it.

Mujoe: Ah, did the widdle girl bweak up with her boyfweind? *Slides in* But seriously, I’m sorry you guys are going through a rough patch.

Shout: I don’t need no man! I don’t need no-! Wah…?

Mujoe: Wah…?

*Shout and Mujoe look away shocked.

Shiro: *Deep* AAAA- *high* AAGH! *Little splash* Ahhhh…

*Shiro walks up*

Shiro: False alarm, guys! It was a kidney stone!

Shout: So what? All that crap was for nothing?

Shiro: At least I learned a valuable lesson. Isn’t that right guys?

Hige!

Deep One: Please don’t talk to me. *Punch* OW.

*Top Bomber rides down on elevator*

Top: *In the distance* IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DURURU?

Mujoe: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE…! Well I guess I have to use you now.

Top: *Blush* Gu-hu-hu~…

Mujoe: Go die for your leader!

Shout and Shiro: *Affirmative* Hm!

Top: I won’t disappoint youruru-!!!

Shiro: Fire bomb.

*Top explodes*

Top: GURURUUUUU!!

Shout: *Evil laugh* He, he, he… Give it up Mujoe. The tool’s in my hands now.

Mujoe: Hee-hee! I get why that’s funny now.

Shout: What?! Ew, gross!

Mujoe: Haha! I stole your innocence; the rarest treasure of them all! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob!

*Shout runs after*

Shout: I will lodge this pickaxe in your head! Try to guess which one!

Shiro: You know this isn’t the worst mission we’ve had. At least you’re not a cannibal.

Mole: Nope! Two weeks sober.

Shiro: I’m gonna pretend you said something else.

Mole: I don’t pay you to pretend… Get to work, slave…

*SIX MONTHS LATER*

*Mole hits worker with pickaxe*

Mole: Here’s your TWO WEEKS! PAID! VACATION!

Bajira: GAH! AGH! AGH-HAGH! My arm is broken in three places! One- AGH! Two-AGH! Three-AGH! Okay it’s four now-AGH!

Shiro: *Worried* Shout? Are you at some point going to, I don’t know, maybe, help?!

Shout: What’d the Professor say about complaining?!

*Insignia beeps*

Birdy: Hey guys, when are you coming home? We got your house back like three months ago. It’s mine now.

Shout: *Loud groan* At least this was a semi-successful mission.

Birdy: By the way, who’s bringing home the ham?

Bajira: Twenty-three!

Shout: We got it covered.

*Cuts to Shout gobbling down ham*

Shout: Urmurmurmurmurmurm…

Shiro: …We’re horrible people.

Shout and Shiro: AH-hahahahaha! Ah-hahahahaha!

*Continued laughter as camera pans away from building*

Louie: Ru~, ru~!

Shiro: Get back here you motherfucker!

*Pans crashing*

*Credits, song is “Working in the Coalmine” by Devo*

*Post-Credits 1*

Gangu: Ai wish ai knew tha meening of kuristumas…

Bongo: …I wish I learned how to swim, I don’t know about you.

*Post-Credits 2*

Mujoe: Look, Top Bomber. Can I call you “Top”-Shut up. I’m glad you’re here, but uh…the enemy is actually on another planet. We’re just here doin’ a bit of reconnaissance. And uh, they really need your help out there, so these are the coordinates.

Top Bomber: That’s a Nebulululu~!

Mujoe: Yeah I know! Weird, ain’t it! Now they need you out there ASAP. Can you do that for me, Champ?

Top: Only for youruru!

Mujoe: Don’t come back until you’re done!

Top: Too-doo-looruru!!

Mujoe: GO!!!

*Door slides closed*

Mujoe: Oh my aching, throbbing…head.

Hige-

Mujoe: Shut up.

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