|Jetters Abridged - Episode 4|
Main episode article
*Arm comes out of bulge, feeds Mujoe a potato chip. Pauses. Title*
Mujoe: Ah. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar
*Episode opens with stock picture of a junkyard. Muffled explosion. Slowly pan in, fade in to Shiro and Shout standing up in wreckage*
Shout and Shiro: *Pained groaning*
Shiro: …Well clearly I can’t build a shelf.
Shout: *Worn out* Shiro, why is it whenever you move, you put us deeper into the red?
Shiro: It’s my favorite color…
Twister: Honey, I can’t remember, can we afford to turn on the TV?
Shout: *In the distance* Only way to keep us warm, Dad.
Anchor: Later tonight, we’ll answer the question of what the fuck I am. But now a special report from Arnold- *Arnold takes over screen* AAAAGH!
Arnold: Welcome back to our continuing series: Worker’s Comp Nightmares. I have a mole.
Mole: Dig it!
Arnold: So Mole, what’s the secret to your lack of success?
Mole: Well, I like to work my employees for many hours, with little pay and few breaks, until there is nothing left but a bloody mess. Then I use the blood as lubricant for the machines.
Arnold: Wow. Now that’s what I call totally fucked up.
Mole: Now listen up, all you homeless motherfuckers!
Shiro: Yes sir.
Mole: Are you tired of working in filth and squalor? Then come work in my filth and squalor! Employees will be compensated in cash and my planet’s finest coal.
Shout: *Still worn out*…Who wants to get out of the house for a while? And possibly eat?
Shiro: I dreamt of eating my legs…
Shout: I dreamt of eating your legs!
*Cuts to Mujoe in bar*
Mujoe: Oh listen to my woes, electric eel lady.
Mama: I’ll hear ‘em all, honey. BLLGHAGHGHRGAHGHA
Mujoe: Look at me, Mama. I used to be young. Tight. Firm. Big and in your face. Now I can’t even hold my own weight.
Mama: Is it the Jetters again, Mujoe?
Mujoe: Every time I get embarrassed by those Jetters kids...well...I feel like I should just tuck in and forget it's there anymore...
Mujoe: Yeah, why not.
Mama: I bet it’s nothing a drink on the house won’t fix.
Mujoe: Did you regurgitate this yourself?
Mujoe: You’re so good to me, Mama.
*Cut to Mole on TV*
Mole: Why yes, this is the last pickaxe of its kind in the universe!
Arnold: Um, aren’t you worried about saying that, knowing the Hige Hige Bandits could be listening right now?
Mole: Heh heh heh he- w-what?!
Mujoe: *Runs out* Too late, sucker! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob
Mama: Door’s the other way, Hun.
Mujoe: *Polite* Thank you…
*Cuts to Jetters in the ship*
Ein: Listen minions! We had to make certain cutbacks on the ship, so no seatbelts, no hyperjumps, and no complaining!
Shout: My control panel is drawn on.
Shiro: I’m sitting on a Russian…
Birdy: And don’t get me started on bees.
Ein: What’d I say about complaining?! –Is what I’d say if I could hear you, but your intercom is gone too… Hey, who else hates their job? This guy~!
Birdy: We better leave before he starts crying.
*Cosmo Jetter launches, Cut to Jetters teleporting in*
Birdy: Oh man…
Shiro: What is it?
Birdy: A man with no corners. You're not very smart, Shiro.
Shout: No, look! It’s the Hige Hige Bandits!
Deep One: Hm? *Points* …Look at that.
Mujoe: Oh great! The TVs a snitch! Alright. *Deep sigh* Let’s bring out our secret weapon.
Top Bomber: Guru guruuuu~
Mujoe: Go the fuck away!!!
Top Bomber: …I love youruru-
Mujoe: Alright men, we’re on our own. Time to start digging!
*Drill Jetters launch*
Gangu: Drill Jetters, go!
Bongo: I think I see a door, Bongo.
Gangu: Adventure, awaaaay!
*Cut to Shout and Shiro drilling through ground*
Shiro: I don’t feel so good. Might have been the can I ate.
Shout: Are you really Mighty’s brother…?
Shiro: Sorry, I can’t hear over the sound of my insides rusting.
Shout: You’ve been whining since we left.
Shiro: Look, can we just finish this job and get our home back?
Shout: *Catty* Oh, who died and made you leader, huh?
Shiro: My brother. WHOA!
Shout: …Are you okay?!
Shiro: I think *crack* so.
*Cut to Mujoe and Higes*
Mujoe: *Chant* I say “Mujoe”, you say “Go!” Mujoe!
Higes and Deep One: Hige!
Mujoe: Try again!
Deep One: Hig-! Oh…
*Mujoe pulls out iron ring, breaks teeth, throws away*
Mujoe: *Chant* I got spirit, yes I do! Dig a hole you lazy jerks!
*Cuts to Shout and Shiro, Drill Jetter is pounding wall*
Shiro: Oh god, I’m gonna start liking women! I hope I run into a woman soon! …Shout you’re taking too long.
Shout: *Angry* Don’t talk to me! I’m busy getting nowhere!
Shiro: Sounds like your sex life, *deepest* owned!
Shout: *Angry yelling* If you’re gonna be stupid and sexist, go to Bongo and- *Shocked* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Shiro: Blame all the hormones and *Super deep* drilling!!
*Drill Jetter starts pounding wall super fast*
Shout: *Crescendo* Where are those idiots when you need them?!
*Cuts to Bongo and Gangu being randomly washed down a river, sad piano music*
Gangu: Ai hav a confeshon.
Bongo: What is it, Bongo?
Gangu: I dident know wheech way we wah going...
Bongo: I have a confession too.
Gangu: What is it?
Bongo: I already knew, Bongo.
Gangu: You dident stop me?!
Bongo: Your confidence meant more to me than our success.
Gangu: Oh hold mi, duck goreela! *Sobs*
Bongo: Oh, ho, ho, Bongo- oh, ho, ho…
*Cuts to Higes exhausted*
Mujoe: Man it’s cold in here- don’t know why I brought that up. Anyway, plan A of digging after them was a bust, but luckily we can STILL take the elevator!
*Shot of elevator, Bomberman Hero menu music is piped in for every shot of elevator*
Top Bomber: YOO-HOORURU~!
Mujoe: GOD! Stop following me, ass!
*Mujoe hops immediately onto the elevator*
Top: Guru guru-
Mujoe: I hate you.
*Elevator goes down, Shiro and Shout drill by very fast*
Shiro: *Very deep* I love the way whiskey makes my dick burn!
Shout: *Scared* Please just put the fire out!
*Crash through the wall, Shiro runs out*
Shiro: *Still deep* FREEDOM!
Shout: *Low* It’s official. I’m a lesbian.
Mujoe: *Teasing* Your tool’s in my hand.
Shout: *Quack* Wre~?
*Pans to Mujoe, Higes and Deep One are giggling*
Mujoe: Now it’s my tool. You can’t have it. Stop giggling!
Mujoe: Oh, banana fuck pudding…
Shout: *Angry* I’m no mood to deal with you right now! So just drop the tool- pickaxe and be done with it.
Mujoe: Ah, did the widdle girl bweak up with her boyfweind? *Slides in* But seriously, I’m sorry you guys are going through a rough patch.
Shout: I don’t need no man! I don’t need no-! Wah…?
*Shout and Mujoe look away shocked.
Shiro: *Deep* AAAA- *high* AAGH! *Little splash* Ahhhh…
*Shiro walks up*
Shiro: False alarm, guys! It was a kidney stone!
Shout: So what? All that crap was for nothing?
Shiro: At least I learned a valuable lesson. Isn’t that right guys?
Deep One: Please don’t talk to me. *Punch* OW.
*Top Bomber rides down on elevator*
Top: *In the distance* IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DURURU?
Mujoe: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE…! Well I guess I have to use you now.
Top: *Blush* Gu-hu-hu~…
Mujoe: Go die for your leader!
Shout and Shiro: *Affirmative* Hm!
Top: I won’t disappoint youruru-!!!
Shiro: Fire bomb.
Shout: *Evil laugh* He, he, he… Give it up Mujoe. The tool’s in my hands now.
Mujoe: Hee-hee! I get why that’s funny now.
Shout: What?! Ew, gross!
Mujoe: Haha! I stole your innocence; the rarest treasure of them all! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob!
*Shout runs after*
Shout: I will lodge this pickaxe in your head! Try to guess which one!
Shiro: You know this isn’t the worst mission we’ve had. At least you’re not a cannibal.
Mole: Nope! Two weeks sober.
Shiro: I’m gonna pretend you said something else.
Mole: I don’t pay you to pretend… Get to work, slave…
*SIX MONTHS LATER*
*Mole hits worker with pickaxe*
Mole: Here’s your TWO WEEKS! PAID! VACATION!
Bajira: GAH! AGH! AGH-HAGH! My arm is broken in three places! One- AGH! Two-AGH! Three-AGH! Okay it’s four now-AGH!
Shiro: *Worried* Shout? Are you at some point going to, I don’t know, maybe, help?!
Shout: What’d the Professor say about complaining?!
Birdy: Hey guys, when are you coming home? We got your house back like three months ago. It’s mine now.
Shout: *Loud groan* At least this was a semi-successful mission.
Birdy: By the way, who’s bringing home the ham?
Shout: We got it covered.
*Cuts to Shout gobbling down ham*
Shiro: …We’re horrible people.
Shout and Shiro: AH-hahahahaha! Ah-hahahahaha!
*Continued laughter as camera pans away from building*
Louie: Ru~, ru~!
Shiro: Get back here you motherfucker!
*Credits, song is “Working in the Coalmine” by Devo*
Gangu: Ai wish ai knew tha meening of kuristumas…
Bongo: …I wish I learned how to swim, I don’t know about you.
Mujoe: Look, Top Bomber. Can I call you “Top”-Shut up. I’m glad you’re here, but uh…the enemy is actually on another planet. We’re just here doin’ a bit of reconnaissance. And uh, they really need your help out there, so these are the coordinates.
Top Bomber: That’s a Nebulululu~!
Mujoe: Yeah I know! Weird, ain’t it! Now they need you out there ASAP. Can you do that for me, Champ?
Top: Only for youruru!
Mujoe: Don’t come back until you’re done!
*Door slides closed*
Mujoe: Oh my aching, throbbing…head.
Mujoe: Shut up.