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Jetters Abridged - Episode 3 (script)

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 3

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 3

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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*Cold opening, Butler walks around, turns on lights and sees a Hige*

Deep One: Agh! I’m a ceiling tile!

Butler: *Gasp* The Hige Hige Bandits!

Deep One and Hige: EeeeYOOOOOOOO!

*Opening*

*Mujoe’s crotch turns into Louie*

Mujoe and LOUIE: AAAAAAAGH-

*Cuts to Jetters ship leaving hyperspace*

Shiro: Shout, your shower smells really bad. And I mean really bad. And you use too much starch in your laundry. My clothes are sticking to the chair!

Shout: Hey, you’re the one mooching off of me and my dad!

Birdy: You guys remember Dharma and Greg? Yeah, now for a moment of silence.

*Pause, dot eyes*

Shout: *Evil eyes* Anyway, thanks to your little murder trip, we had to spend five months in prison.

Shiro: Still can’t believe they could jail a kid for that.

Shout: *Angry, commanding* This is the first client we’ve had in a while, so don’t screw this up!

Birdy: *Evil eye* Hey! You know why lemmings jump off of cliffs? Because of you.

*Dot eyes again*

Shiro: Hey Shout, I think you need to go to a spa, ‘cause that was a total facial.

*Transitions to the Jetters arriving*

Butler: Welcome Jetters to the house of Bajira. Please forgive my distance, for I prefer to skulk in the shadows. Mwm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Shiro: Let’s get this over with; this mission already sucks.

Butler: I will detail your mission soon. Until then, allow to me to introduce you to my ward.

Bajira: I counted one of myself today. I’m a narwhal! *Glitter, Ta-dah!*

Birdy: *Over intercom* You have made a powerful enemy.

Bajira: The problem is I have one cat! One cat!

Butler: Okay, you wanna know the real mission? I want you to kill him. I fucking hate him.

Shiro: Hey now, we should hear both sides of the story before we do anything rash.

Bajira: I really like seven, but I also like to sing!

Shiro: Yeah, let’s kill him.

Shout, Bongo, Gangu: Ugh…

Gangu: We totally going to jail again.

*Cuts to exterior of ship*

Birdy: *In the tune of “Burning Down the House”* Left shoes. Are made of fields of cotton. Walking. Will only give me stomach cramps. I. Left. My. Mom. With. Fif-Teen. Fish. Burning down the house.

Shiro: Come in, Birdy!

Birdy: What?!

Shiro: Uh…we’re all set up to guard the place. The Hige Hige bandits come at night, so I’m setting up some traps.

Birdy: Hmm. Hey, Shiro, are you hungry?

Shiro: Yeah!

Birdy: So are orphans. God, you're selfish.

Shout: And that’s why we keep him on the ship.

*Cuts to Shout and Butler*

Shout: Look, I realize your friend is kind of an idiot, but I think killing him is too much.

Butler: If only you knew him like I knew him. He used to be such a hard worker, always putting himself towards the greater good. He could build walls miles long without breaking a sweat.

Shout: What happened to him?

Butler: That damned Beckoning Cat. It has the power to give its owner all the money he wants. Now he has no care for his beloved Bay of Pigs, only for his money.

Shout: Isn’t that a good thing?

Butler: You don’t understand. He won’t. Stop. Counting! Instead of red with pride, I am red with rage!

*Gangu and Bongo crying*

Shout: *Calm but firm, slightly rising inflection* Okay. I see where this is going. I don’t feel comfortable with it.

Gangu: Now I know we’re going to jail again…

Shout: But screw it, we need the money!

*Gangu and Bongo fall over, explosion*

Shout: What was that?!

Shiro: They activated the trap! Oh no, it was Bongo. Oh no, they did activate the trap!

*A bunch of Higes are sneezing*

Shout: *Surprised* Wow! What’d you use? Pepper spray?

Shiro: Nope. HIV. Hige Immunodeficiency Virus.

Shout: *Awkward* Are you sure…?

Shiro: I’m positive! ...Ladies.

Mechadoc: Jetters!

Shiro: What’s with the robot testicle bird?

Mechadoc: *Overjoyed* It’s an ostrich! *Squee*

Shiro: I don’t know how to respond to that.

Mechadoc: I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been wanting to test this baby out for months now. It’s a ray gun that turns objects and creatures into my own Bombermen.

Shiro: Really? What would happen if you shot me with it?

Mechadoc: You’d become competent.

Shiro: I could drop a mountain on you...

Mechadoc: Enough chit-chat! I see a volunteer for my first test! Bomber! CHANGE!!!

*Fires laser, bat turns into Bat Bomber*

Bat Bomber: I am Bat Bomber! I’m going to burn-burn-burn you to the ground!

Shiro: Oh fuck it, I’m bombing him.

Bat: Oh, I don’t think so!

Shout: *Quickly* We’re out of here! WOOB WOOB WOOB WOOB WOOB

Bat: Bomber shoot!

Bomb: Deet, dee-deet, dee-deet, dee-dee.

Shout: Eh...?

*Explodes into bats, cut to Gangu and Bongo*

Bongo: I feel like we’re not helping, Bongo.

Gangu: GET IT? THE ROOF LOOKS LIKE A PENIS!

*Shout and Shiro are chased by bats*

Shout: *Running and yelling angrily* Do any bombs just frickin’ explode anymore?!

Shiro: Workin’ on it!

Bat: *Swoops down* Ah-ha-haaaa!

Bajira: I still have just one cat! ...Wait, fuuuuuuu-!

Birdy: *Over intercom* Hang on, I got this. Hey Bat Bomber.

Bat: Ha-ha-haaaa! Ha-ha-ha-What? *Explosion*

Shout: Whoa, what happened?

*Shows MAX on rooftop*

Birdy: His mind was blown. That and the RPG.

Max: HYPER flyyyyy. *Flies away*

*Cut to Jetters in front of Bajira*

Bajira: You have rescued my cat! I knew I could count on you!

Butler: For fuck’s sake, pay them so I can strangle you!

Shout: You heard them, Shiro. Give them the cat so we can *through grit teeth* get out of here.

Shiro: You got it! Oh hey, this label says “Made in Russia”. Do any of you guys speak Russian?

*Drops cat, nobody reacts*

Birdy: *Sigh* Too bad it wasn’t a narwhal.

Bajira: My cat broke into pieces! How many pieces are there? Let’s find out! Oooone. Twoooo. *Screen transitions* Thr-*Gags*FUAAGH...FAAAAAGH...SEEEGH...

Butler: *Psychotic* Wonder how many dollars I can fit down your throat! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Shiro: We gotta go...NOW.

*Cut to Noodle house*

Twister: Don’t bother, duck bunny. This side’s blank.

Shout: *Walking in, upbeat* Hey Shiro, we got a letter from Bajira’s butler. Let’s see...”Join the Communist Partyyyy”, I’m closing that.

Shiro: Hmm...

Shout: *Accusatory* Too bad we didn’t get paid this time. Imagine if you didn’t break the magical money cat.

Shiro: You know, truth be told, you need to stop giving me missions where I have to hold things. In case you didn’t notice, I have no fingers.

*Bowl crashes*

Shiro: There goes Louie…

Twister: Hey, neither did her mom, but boy howdy she didn’t need it.

Shout: *Low*...Thanks, Dad.

Twister: She was just like this newspaper. I got her every morning.

Shout: Shut up, Dad!

Twister: In the mail.

Shiro: Lasted longer than usual how Louie?

*Bowl crashes*

Shiro: Fucker.

*Credits, song is “Burning Down the House”*

*Post-Credits 1 - Bongo staring at camera*

Director: No, Bongo, don’t look at the camera! Damnit, make him look away! Can we punch him while we’re recording?

*Post-Credits 2*

Birdy: Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm afraid of bugs. Not going outside. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Stay in the ship. Stay in the ship. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Stay in the ship. Ah.

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