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Jetters Abridged - Episode 2

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 2

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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*Shiro is in ship as it crashes*

Shiro: Damn my shoddy craftsmanship! Quick Louie! Fix it!

*Crashes, hangs from lamppost, sees Shout*

Shiro: Hey, a girl. Okay. Remember what Mighty told me. Hey! I want your phone number, and/or address! Names are optional!

*Opening, Mujoe’s bulge explodes*

Mujoe: ...Ow...

*Shiro and Shout stand in front of impact site*

Shiro: So, are you gonna get out of the way, or-

Shout: Look at what you’ve done! This is the worst date ever!

Shiro: I really hope you’re talking about someone else...

*Shout makes a face*

Shout: Hey! You’re a Bomberman!

Shiro: Huh?!

Shout: I knew it! I’ve seen people from Planet Bomber, but I’ve never seen a Bomberman before.

Shiro: ...Are you fucking serious?

Shout: Let me look at your belt.

Shiro: Ah! I thought the date thing was a joke!

*Shout looks surprised, stares*

Shout: ...Huh. Well anyway, back to figuring out what “hanging out” means! Now if I can remember correctly, Birdy’s directions were... *Shiro and Louie rifle through her stuff* Hey, what are you doing?!

Shiro: RAID!

*Shout opens the door to the house*

Shout: God, Dad! Why do I have to like boys? *Sees Shiro* Huh...?

Shiro: I found where you live. I kinda blew it up. So I made a new one to apologize. But I still felt bad, so I made you soup. You’re welcome. I don’t have a home.

*Cuts to horse alien hailing Birdy’s taxi*

Birdy: Where you going, Mac?

Horse: Quick! To the hospital! My wife’s in labor!

Birdy: Hey, relax man. Menstruation’s just a form of rejection.

Horse: ...What?

Birdy: Did you know you can’t smell your own eyes? Facts like that disappoint me.

Horse: What the fuck?! She’s gonna give birth any minute now!

Birdy: Hey now. I got one last thing to say.

Horse: ...What would that be...?

*Pause, Birdy smirks*

*Cuts to Shout’s dad reading newspaper*

Dad: Huh. I’d find that depraved if I knew what that meant.

Shout: Are you sure your bunny doesn’t need chopsticks-?

Shiro: He knows what he did!

Shout: ...Then why give him food?

Shiro: Because it’s funny. Anyway, I need to find Dr. Ein. I need to join the Jetters as soon as possible.

Shout: The Jetters?! Don’t be ridiculous! Kids aren’t allowed in the Jetters except for me.

*Stands up, starts acting serious*

Shout: But we haven’t been the same since Mighty disappeared.

Shiro: Mighty what?!

Shout: We were fighting the Hige Hige Bandits at one of their bases. Mighty threw a bomb at them, but he always had to wear that stupid visor. I bet he didn’t even see that side of the cliff. But then he got pissed off and left.

Shiro: That’s so like Mighty...

Shout: So quit wasting your time. You’re up against some high-caliber people. Well, unless you bribe the Professor with noodles. But where are you gonna get noodles?

*Cuts to Birdy and horse alien, Horse alien hurls*

Birdy: You know, most people get carsick. You’re just sick of the truth.

*Cuts to Dr. Ein holding a bowl*

Dr. Ein: Yep, he’s in.

Shout: Oh, peanut butter and suck! You can’t be serious! He’s an inferior Bomberman! We can’t make our team any worse!

Ein: Yes, but he’ll work more for less pay.

Shout: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

*Birdy appears*

Birdy: I brought a pencil. You can all go home now.

Ein: Shout, you’re strangling Mighty’s little brother.

Shout: Huh...? You mean he has worth in his blood...? Awesome...

Shiro: I’m not a trust fund baby...

*Alarm goes off*

Alarm: *Campy* Alarm. Alarm.

Ein: Quick team! It’s an emergency Code Flamboyant!

Alarm: Oh, thtop it.

Ant: Hello, Jetters! I need your help immediately-

Everyone: AGH!

Birdy: I can relate.

Ant: Oh, like I’ve never heard that before. Look, behind these massive mandibles and beady, murderous eyes beats the heart of a worried mother. The Hige Hige Bandits have stolen the only egg I ever laid, and now I worry for the future of my species.

Bongo: I know your pain, Bongo. We’ll take the job.

Ein: Shut up, Bongo. God! You’re so insensitive! Anyway, disgusting ant creature, we’ll take the job out of pity!

*Cut to ship*

Gangu: Cumbersome engines that look ridiculous. Attaching now! Check!

Shout: Front end shields that make it less aerodynamic. Check.

Birdy: Gasoline. Well this is awkward.

Shiro, Bongo, Gangu: FUCK! (Bongo...)

*Time lapse*

Birdy: Alright, gasoline check. Clearly bad attitudes weren’t.

Gangu: Suck mobile comprete! Jettahs awaaaaay!!! God, I offended myself by saying that!

Ein: If I blew them up now, I could get a competent team. Too bad I put the button in the ship. What’s wrong with me, Doctor?

*Busy tone*

Ein: It’s alright, I can take whatever news you give me.

*Jetters ship lands*

Birdy: *Over intercom* Shout, remember something important. If a shower head could talk, it would probably say, 'kssssssh...'

Shout: Yeah, mission. Bye.

*They drive off, cuts briefly to Birdy*

Birdy: sssssssshhh-

*Cuts to Mujoe*

Mujoe: *Coughs badly* I’m so awesome, I can surf and burp at once! ...Burp! Be impressed !

Hige!

Deep one: My back hurts!

*The Jetters suddenly appear*

Shout: Mujoe!

Mujoe: Oh, jelly and balls!

Shout: What does the Hige Hige want with an ant monster’s egg?

Mujoe: Well if you must know, eating this supposedly shrinks a certain part of the anatomy. Mainly the... arms.

Shiro: *Pulls out bomb* I hear bombs do the same thing.

Mujoe: Oh, come the crap on, kid. That bomb’s smaller than my- arms.

Deep one: Oh, for fuck’s sake!

Gangu: He’s right, you know!

*Cuts back to Birdy*

Birdy: "...ssssssssssssshh....Squeak, squeak. You take too fucking long to shower.' That's what my shower would say to me. … Don’t interrupt me.

*Cuts back to Shiro*

Shiro: *Reading* Okay, so to make your bombs bigger, eat a diet heavy in protein and this is not the scroll I was looking for.

Mujoe: HAAAAGH... Laugh too.

HIIIII...

Deep one: HAAAAGH

Mujoe: You really telling me you’re in Mighty’s gene pool? You ain’t got the cajones for it, kid. You couldn’t save a moderately struggling orphanage from termites. And then punt one of the kids for a field goal. I’ll admit it: I laughed. Just like how I’m laughing at you! HAAA *Shiro throws fire bomb* AA-AGH!

*Shows egg with large hole*

Mujoe: Oh, what the hell, kid?! Now I’ll never be able to shrink my- oh fuck it.

Bongo: Can we do something, Bongo?

Gangu: Shiro create new bomb!

*Beep beep*

Ant: *Over intercom, evil laugh* Foolish Jetters. That little distraction has given me all the time I need to lay a new legion of eggs! Soon my monster babies will engulf the universe!

Shiro: RAAAAAID!!!

*Cuts to Birdy*

Ant: Oh god, not the spray! AAAAGH! NOOOO! MY BABIES! MY ARMS! MY MANDIBLES! GOD I’M A DISGUSTING RACE!

Birdy: *Singing* One of these things is not like the other things. One of these things is Birdy. *Speaking* You guys are too serious.

*Cuts to Birdy standing in front of them*

Birdy: Congratulations. You managed to exterminate an entire species, and only sustain an injury by tripping on a rock. Mighty would be proud.

Shiro: I always feel guilty after my blood rage.

Birdy: This’ll make you feel better.

Shiro: That’s Mighty’s badge! But why are you giving it to me?

Birdy: He stole my socks. I think this makes us even.

Shout: Hey... I know this first date has had a lot of twists and turns and ended in mass genocide, but I guess I can get used to having you around.

*Shiro holds up hand*

Shiro: I never got to properly introduce myself. I’m Shiro.

Shout: I’m SHOUT!

Shiro: How did you get that name?

Shout: WHAT?!

Shiro: Hang on. I think I’m forgetting something...

*Cuts to Louie lying dead at the counter*

Shout’s Dad: You know, I could cook that duck bunny. But this is a really good newspaper. Augmn omn omn *crumple crumple*

*Credits, “Ants Invasion” plays, Dad is still heard eating*

*Post-credits*

Dr. Mechadoc: *Villianous laughter* I have created a giant metal ostrich!

*Shows Bomber Machine*

Mechadoc: With Mighty gone, the natural thought process pointed to robot ostrich. People thought me crazy. So I did it! So now I’m going to use it to create my own bombermen! The Jetters won’t stand a chance against Soap Pump Bomber! *Hysterical villainous laughter*

*Ostrich collapses*

Mechadoc: ...Oh well. Duct tape, this is why I love you!

*Post-credits 2*

Birdy: Hey guys. I wrote a letter to my mom yesterday. Q.

Shiro, Shout, Gangu: UUUUGH.

*Three pows*

Bongo: What’d I do this time, Bongo...?

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