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Jetters Abridged - Episode 1 (script)

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 1

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Jetters Abridged - Episode 1

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Episode 2

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

Mighty: Planet Bomber is home to a race of a most unusual people. The Bombermen are a species with no mouths and no ears. The only way they can communicate is through sheer frustration.

Grandma: *Muffled shouting*

Shiro: *Muffled shouting*

Grandma: *Angrier muffled shouting*

Mighty: And yet the species persists; the Bombermen simply choose to interpret each other’s incoherent anger by assumption. Unfortunately, after one of them assumes, they leave in frustration.

*Shiro jumps out of building*

*Cuts to Mighty waking*

Mighty: Spark plug! …Oh, wow. I just realized how much my race sucks.

*Intro*

*Planet Bomber is shown, Jetters’ ship appears*

Dr. Ein: The Hige Hige Bandits have targeted the Cosmo Diamond, the only diamond in the universe that shines all seven colors.

Mighty: Like every other prism in the universe?

Ein: Yeah, I don’t know what their problem is. They go after this junk, but it’s worthless within two days.

Birdy: They need the money to pay for their ridiculous weapons and gadgets, so that they can steal more treasure. Don’t they know owls are useless in a recession?

Ein: Well, for whatever reason, the people of Planet Bomber hired Jetters to protect the Cosmo Diamond, so get to it! *Signs off*

Birdy: Hey, is that your little brother?

Mighty: …What?

Birdy: That picture; is that you and your little brother?

Mighty: I don’t have my picture out…

Birdy: You know what my grandpa always said, “keep your friends close, keep your enemies at the Travel Lodge”.

Mighty: …Huh. You know, I think I will go visit my broth-.

Birdy: My grandpa’s dead.

Mighty: Oh, Shiro, I hope you’re not causing more trouble.

Birdy: I just realized it’d be impossible to drive this thing if my right foot was cut off. I think about these things. *More underbreath* Maybe if you worried about them too, you’d be a leader.

*Cuts to Shiro happily generating and dropping bombs*

*Shiro giggles, numerous explosions*

Mighty: *In the distance* Shiro!

Shiro: *Gasp*

*Turns to see Mighty*

*Mighty sings Superman, Birdy provides “dun-dun-dun-dun” over the brooch*

Mighty: Thanks, Birdy.

Birdy: Yo.

Mighty: Shiro! I return home from fighting crime, rebuilding dams and rescuing orphans to see you so brazenly abusing your powers?

*Puts down girl* Oh, I’m sorry! I tend to pick up damsels when I’m being heroic.

Damsel: I don’t even live on this planet!

*Continues to yell at Shiro* You’re never going to be a great bomber unless you learn to understand; the bomb is in your heart, not in these…bombs. Have I made myself clear?

Grandma: Where the hell is CPS…?

Mighty: Ah, Grandmother. May the best grandson ever have a cup of tea?

Grandma: Don’t kid yourself; you guard junk, your cousin guards a junkyard.

Mighty: Oh, Grandma, we can’t all graduate from DeVry.

Grandma: Says the Communications Major.

Mighty: Go to hell.

*Cuts to Mujo onlooking the museum*

Mujoe: *Tarzan yell* Hey, what happened to mah pants?

Hige hige!

Mujoe: And don’t you forget it! He-he-heeh, this plan is like my underwear, tight and outta-sight! Take a huge, fuck-off laser, fire it randomly at the building and clear it all out.

*Looks through binoculars again*

Mujoe: There’s only four of them?! Damn, that makes my plan look drastically inefficient. Ah well, Mujoe’s always big and in your face! Ha ha ha!

Hige!

Mujoe: Ah, now you’re just being inappropriate.

*Cut to Shiro and Mighty sitting down*

Shiro: I think Louie’s dead.

Mighty: Don’t interrupt me. *Turns head* I think Louie’s dead. That, or he’s as lazy as ever.

Shiro: Well, the Bomber Academy has been making me really nervous, so I’ve taken to siphoning Louie’s adrenaline into my bloodstream.

Mighty: Yeah, he’s probably dead.

Shiro: Oh.

Mighty: But that’s okay, we’re like gods. I can make you a new Louie- AGH!

Shiro: What is it, brother?

Mighty: Uh, never mind. *Underbreath* Like to see you try that again… Lemme show you something.

Shiro: You’re not gonna show off aga- oh for fuck’s sake.

*Mighty charges up his hand, fires into the sky*

Mighty: Bomber shoot!

Shiro: Uh, brother, whatever you were aiming at, you missed.

Mighty: Oh, no I didn’t. See, about 20,000 light years away, a woman is about to be hit on by a very ugly shark. But that shark hates tobacco smoke. And...I lit her a cigarette.

Shiro: Oooh!

Mighty: And I killed the shark.

Shiro: Ohhh…

*Mighty and Shiro are sitting back down*

Shiro: You have no moral compass, do you Brother?

Mighty: I think Louie’s dead again.

*Mighty’s lapel starts beeping*

Birdy: Hey, Mighty.

*Cuts to Birdy*

Mighty: What’s up, Birdy?

Birdy: …What’s your opinion on paper mache?

*Silence*

Birdy: Have you ever built a sandcastle out of paper mache, only to realize…it’s made out of sand?

Mighty: Hey, how’s the Cosmo Diamond?

Birdy: Well, I can’t see it, but I assume it’s still here.

Mighty: Yeah, that’s my cue to go find it. I’ll catch you later, Shiro.

Shiro: Where are you going, brother?

Mighty: To the museum. The Hige Hige Bandits are after the Cosmo Diamond. It’s the most important diamond in the universe.

Shiro: …Then why haven’t I heard of it?

Birdy: *Cutting in over radio* Why don’t you have a mom?

Mighty: *Flying away* *Sigh* What did I say about cutting into my conversations, Birdy?

Birdy: I know, I know. I dunno.

Shiro: Wait! Brother! I can help!

Mighty: No you can’t! I know I was supportive a minute ago, but let’s be realistic!

Shiro: *makes angry face* I’ll show you… I’ll show all of you.

*Cuts to Mujoe striking awkward pose*

Mujoe: ...Well, I’m bored.

*Bandit runs up, frantic*

Mujoe: What? You say you wanna babble incoherently in front of me and have me translate everything you say directly back to you? That doesn’t sound remotely uplifting.

Hige hige!

Mujoe: Well next time I’ll pick my words better!

*Cuts to Shiro and Louie running through forest*

Louie: *Gasping and wheezing*

Shiro: Go, my beast of burden! Huh?

*Sees the gear*

Shiro: Is that a diamond?

*Louie’s still gasping uncontrollably*

Shiro: You don’t have to be a dick about it.

*Pause, you see the Hige Hige Bandits*

Bandit: … *Loud and deep* WHAT THE FUCK?!

Shiro: Agh! You must be the Hige Hige Bandits!

All of them: Hige!

Deep one: No shit!

Shiro: Do you know who I am?! I’m the brother of the legendary Bomberman, Mighty-

*Mujoe appears behind him*

Shiro: ...Is something poking into my back...?!

Mujoe: Young man, you are entering a world of hurt.

Hige!

Mujoe: Oh, wrong phrasing. Sorry.

*Cuts to museum*

Birdy: Hey, are we cool, or-...?

Mighty: Not a word. Not a goddamn word.

*Glass explodes, Mujoe appears*

Mujoe: Sorry for barging in uninvited!

*From a far distance* Hige!

Mujoe: Oh, go to hell!

Mighty: Shiro...!

Shiro: *Sobbing* It’s like a Turkish bathhouse in there...with half the space and double the bulge...

Mujoe: So, what are you gonna do, Mighty? Are you gonna give it, or am I gonna have to take it?

Hige- *POW*

Mujoe: Whoever that was gets a raise.

Deep one: *Muffled* AWESOME!

Birdy: What an insidious, dirty trick. I gnash my cool teeth at you. *Pause, chomp chomp chomp chomp*

Mujoe: Oh yeah, well check these out. *Chomp chomp chomp chomp*

Mighty: Oh fuck it, this is getting stupid.

*Mighty opens the diamond’s case, picks it up*

Birdy: *Astonished gasp* That’s the Cosmo Diamond!

Mujoe: Throw it over here. I’ll catch it in my pants. Wait, I’m still missing them, aren’t I? Ah hell, whatever.

Mighty: For fuck’s sake, take the diamond and shut the hell up.

*Laser fires*

Shark: *Over Mujoe’s walkie-talkie* Tobacco is wack, Puto Pendejo.

Mujoe: Who the hell is this?!

*Gets tackled by Birdy*

Birdy: Shiro! ...Don’t look now...! *More intense* It’s vision is based on movement!

*A pair of eyes slowly appear on Mujoe’s bulge, quickly cuts away*

Shiro: MIGHTY!!!

*Starts glowing*

Grandma: Help, I’m being chased by a menagerie- oh, dear.

*Fires light out into sky*

Shark: *Over walkie-talkie* Dah’s what you get, mang- ai, coño.

Shiro: Brother, brother please say something!

Mighty: *Weak* If only I had Bongo at my side, I would hit him.

Bongo: That’s not nice, Bongo.

Birdy: Wait, you’re hitting on me? If so, what’s your name?

*Cuts to ship starting up*

Mighty: Sorry, little brother.

Shiro: About what? I’m the one who should be apologizing.

Mighty: *Smiles* I mean for killing Louie on the way out.

Shiro: What?

Mighty: Here’s some balloons!

*Pops, they float off*

Shiro: *dazed* I’ve forgotten everythiiiing...

*Ship flies away*

Shiro: Wait! Brother! We haven’t gotten to reminisce about you being a jerk!

Grandma: Your brother’s an asshole.

*Credits*

*Post-Credits*

*Outside shot of the ship*

Birdy: ...I just realized yesterday, I haven't been invited to prom in over thirty five years.

Mighty: *very loud sigh*

*Pow*

Bongo: Ow, Bongo...

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